Sometimes I let fear of the unknown control me. It’s like there’s a boggart in the closet and I’m afraid to go in there because I know he will assume the form of my biggest anxiety, because I know I will wilt in front of him, and I can’t admit to being that weak. Weakness isn’t prized in our society, and why should it be? But some days I honestly wish it was. I would be the mayor of such a place.
I’ve had dreams the past two nights, realistic dreams that leave me raw and exposed, at least to myself. The subconscious is such a tricky thing to analyze and to appreciate because it opens everything up, and it doesn’t care how it makes me feel. I woke up with beads of sweat sliding down my face both nights, and with an insane sense of deja vu and impending doom. I have to stop doing that.
My oldest daughter fears being alone. She can’t be anywhere for very long when she’s the only one there. She seeks out company constantly, and she won’t stop talking because I think to her if she is in range where people can hear her voice she’s safe. I’m not sure what makes her so worried to be alone, if it’s ghosts or whatnot, but I know I sometimes judge her for it. And I need to stop. Because I too have irrational fears.
Because fear isn’t always rational. It doesn’t always say, “Here I am.” It comes like a thief in the night, sneaking and skulking around until you least expect it, then it jumps in my face and sticks out its tongue. It knows it has me over a barrel, and I need to take the sting out of its appearance. Those dreams can’t hurt me, but the anxiety and stress they cause can. I need to figure out how to get through that fear, to tame the beasts that like to live inside of my head.
And I need to stop judging others for their own fears, whether rational or irrational. It’s okay to be afraid, but it’s not okay to just let it rule your world. It’s not okay to let it rule my world, either conscious or not. What I need is a new perspective. What I need is a closet with a boggart in it so I can open it up and learn to tame that fear before it drops me cold. When I can finally see just how foolish those fears really are I can begin to move past them.
Then I can sleep again.