10 Signs That You Were Born Before 1990

10. Gas was $1.99 a gallon 9. What’s a cell phone? 8. Cartoons were just for Saturday morning 7. Infants were supposed to sleep on their stomachs 6. Tom Cruise was normal 5. Your microwave was the most high-tech device in your home 4. Big hair, big hair, BIG HAIR 3. Stamps cost 15 cents … Continue reading 10 Signs That You Were Born Before 1990

“I Want to Quit the Gym!”

My nemesis.

The gym is not my friend. I mean, I subscribed to a gym a long time ago, and like about a zillion other people, I hardly ever went. I’m not even sure why I subscribed. Maybe it was that gruff guy who came to my job and convinced me I was a slob who carried around extra weight, and couldn’t I do better? So I spent half a paycheck to sign up — “What a deal!” — and they hooked me up with a personal trainer, a woman named Jennifer who was built like a tank. I was afraid. I was very afraid.

First off, it took me about a month to eventually end up at the gym. Part of the time away was my first look at Jennifer on the day I signed up, but the other part was hidden deep down in my psyche, in depths I wasn’t willing to plumb at the time. It had been easier to just go home after work and play video games instead, a sedentary lifestyle indeed, but one that I enjoyed. Until one morning I took off my shirt to get into the shower and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror above the sink. Uh oh. Those love handles were staring back at me.

So, I finally got my ass to the gym. Continue reading ““I Want to Quit the Gym!””

The Cross Bleeds Red

The cross bleeds red Crimson, ruby, and cardinal A deep and primordial hue That transfixes in its gaze Turning water into wine Drunk on its own demanding Yet always wanting more It’s painful to the touch Like softened wax it slides Burning bright as the sun Imperial, Spanish, and cherry Carved into damask wood Names, … Continue reading The Cross Bleeds Red

That’s So Gay

Student: That’s so gay.
Me: I don’t think that’s what you mean.
Student: Uh, yeah, I mean it.
Me: Gay? Really?
Student: See, this guy was hitting on this other guy.
Me: Well, then I guess that would be gay.

When I was in high school, there were several things the cool kids (and sometimes even the not so cool kids) would say recurringly to demean me. They would call me four eyes, which was okay because I wore glasses. They would call me Urkel, because I reminded them of that nerdy character from TV. I admit I did look somewhat like him. And they would call me gay. I never quite understood that one, though. Continue reading “That’s So Gay”

Summer Daze

It’s been one of those weekends. You know the kind, where parts of it feel like they’ve been whisked away on angel’s wings and the other portions drag on like high school math class. And now that it’s close to its inevitable end it seems to be picking up speed again, rolling downhill like a … Continue reading Summer Daze