Upon My Death


Upon my death I want the stars to fall from the sky. I want the moon to turn red, angry at the injustice of it all. I want tears to flow like wine, and grief to be so heavy, so widespread that everything stops for a heartbeat to contemplate how things can go on when I am gone. Or at the least I want just one person to tweet “@SamMcManus u wuz cool, bro #rip #gonetoosoon.”

Upon my death I want everyone to exhale, to let out the breath they’ve been holding for far too long. I want a celebration of all the positive energy I’ve put out into the world. So I guess I should start putting out positive energy into the world sometime soon. I want people to remember me for who I am, not for who I always hoped I would be. Because I’m not perfect, and I don’t want the responsibility, even if I’m already dead.

Upon my death I don’t want to hang around as a ghost. I don’t want to stand by and watch the people in my life go on without me. I don’t want to feel that heartache that comes with knowing they’re doing fine but I can never hold them again. I don’t want to scream into the nothingness that would be my existence and get no reaction. I don’t want to feel emotionally lost again.

Upon my death I want to feel content. If death steals my future from me I want to know that my past was worth the time I spent on it. I want to know that I’ve done all that I can to support my family in every way possible. I want to know that I left nothing out there that I didn’t do my best to tie up. I want to know that at least one thing is better for me having been in this world.

Upon my death I want to be reincarnated so I can live again, because I’m selfish, because I can’t fathom a true end. I can’t imagine an endless void, a blackness so complete that it drowns out everything else. But I also can’t envision a tunnel, or a bright light, or any kind of heaven or hell. I have a hard enough time trying to figure out what I think is going to happen next week.

Upon my death I want to make some kind of deal with god. Because I’m afraid to die.


3 thoughts on “Upon My Death

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      1. That’s okay because you’re human. But those are the days you need to spend more time on your knees talking to Him. Remember that even when you aren’t sure, He doesn’t abandon you.

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