“It is the transitory nature of life that lends itself to criticism by those who refuse to simply live.” ~Theodicus
It may have been something I said. I do have a big mouth, or at least others have claimed as much in the past. But I think I’ve changed, at least to an extent, and regardless it could have just as easily been something I did instead. Apparently I do things without thinking about how they affect others, like I’m stuck in my own little world without consequences, where I think people will just be around. Until they aren’t anymore. And it may or may not have been my fault.
Or sometimes I try to hang on too long.
Seriously, though, there are people in our lives for just a small time to accomplish a purpose. Maybe they’re around to teach us something, or for us to teach them something. Or perhaps we need someone to hold us up at a bad moment and they fulfill that role, or we do that for them. But then it’s over, and we try to stretch it. Or at least I try to stretch it. Calling, trying to make plans, posting little avatars on their Facebook walls (timelines, whatever). And when I get nothing in response I don’t just leave it. I try again, thinking maybe they just didn’t see the avatars, or didn’t get the messages I left, or didn’t receive my texts.
Okay, so I don’t honestly believe any of that, but I try to trick my brain into believing it, because the alternative is too devastating to believe. They’re done with me, as so many throughout the course of my life have inevitably been. I would always do better to recognize it for what it is instead of trying to deceive myself, because I only make it worse by being “that guy.” You know, the one who leaves long voicemail messages that are supposed to sound casual but are instead merely desperate.
Then I notice I’ve stopped seeing their updates in my newsfeed, so I check out their wall (timeline, whatever), and it asks me if I want to friend request them. That’s when I know it’s over, that I’ve been unfriended, and it hurts. It doesn’t hurt because it happened. I half expected it anyway. What hurts is that I became “that guy,” the one they wanted to avoid so they did it the nice way, by simply unfriending me instead of getting into why, which can never help me come out in a good light. What hurts is that they took the time to press that button, because they felt I wasn’t worth it anymore.
And I can say that it’s their loss, but I would be lying. We had reached wherever we were supposed to reach together, as friends, and I tried to keep it going. My bad. We had no longer been living as friends. We were unfriends, even though I had tried hard to deny it. He was just the one who made it official.