I envy people who just sit down and write whatever comes to mind at that moment. You see, I’m not one of them. I really haven’t ever been, even in the wonderful confines of my own journals throughout the years. Indeed, even this post is the result of a great deal of introspection and editing. It’s how I’ve always written, since I started writing. I blame school for starting me on the path, and my own compulsive nature for continuing it.
Recently I’ve begun following a couple of blogs that are obvious windows into the souls and the immediacy of the bloggers who created them. These blogs are basically what I imagined my blog would be when I first started it: a series of posts talking about my life and my feelings. And while I’ve created that with so many of my blog posts, I’ve ventured further into all sorts of other areas as well, which is fine. It’s just refreshing to see the writing styles of others who can effectively just sit down and write as if they’re just baring their souls to friends. Which is what they are doing, of course.
I guess for me it was always about censoring my thoughts and feelings, even from myself, particularly from myself. It was always about dressing them up to go “to church,” so to speak, so as not to offend, and so as not to be too vulnerable. It’s become my crutch, I guess you could say, and while I write fiction, it’s probably where I’ve always been the most “me,” because I can hide behind the facade of the characters I create. Even though they all share small pieces of me. If you were to cobble together all of the parts of me in my characters there would be a room’s full, even if not a single one of them would embody the entirety of me.
Perhaps I would swear more if I didn’t worry so much about offense, if I didn’t care so much what others think of me. Maybe I would tell you about my intense feeling of inferiority around most people that would possibly be paralyzing if I didn’t use pretense as a shield. I’ve tried freewriting on several different occasions, but none of them has truly amounted to me being as honest and as free as I would wish. I’m working on that.
But being vulnerable on here is so much different than being vulnerable in a private journal. It’s the biggest difference between this forum and the name of my blog. It’s my journal, but it’s online, so it’s visible to so many people who I know, and who I don’t know. In order to be truly open, to be really exposed, I have to appreciate the fact that it’s going out to everybody in the entire world, and I have to make my peace with that.
And you know what? In bits and pieces I have done that. I have talked about some very difficult issues in my life on this blog, and some of my experiences and conversations have been truly transformative and mind-blowing. But in this next week I want to explore that even more, to see if I can truly freewrite with no censorship and with no thought for anything except what I’m feeling at the time. Now, I wouldn’t want to do that all the time, but I’m excited to see if I can challenge myself to do that for this week and see what results come to bear.
This is me. Opening up.