What Guys Do

Remember the 1980s Family Feud game show where they challenged contestants to pick out most popular answers to questions? What I loved was how sometimes the top answers were odd, and I just couldn’t help wondering if they were lying and no one really gave that answer. Like when the category was Things Found In a Kitchen and the number one answer was Forks. Really?

So, I used to play the game along with the people on the TV who always seemed overly optimistic and were genuinely shocked when they got it wrong. My winning percentage wasn’t much better than theirs but at least I had more fun. And it got me thinking about topics I know something about and what the top answers would be.

Things Guys Do:

1. Lie. I honestly think that sometime in the womb every guy somehow got hotwired into his brain the ability to lie. Now don’t get me wrong. Not all guys are good at it (right ladies?), but every single guy I’ve ever met lies. Oh, and girls do it too, but they’re better at it.

2. Scratch himself. Guys are just itchy creatures, apparently. Maybe we just don’t clean ourselves well enough in the shower, or we’re too hairy, or some combination thereof. But regardless, guys have a tendency to scratch. At inappropriate times. In inappropriate places.

3. Never admit defeat. The other guy could be 500 pounds and built like a tank trunk, but he can beat that guy. He’s driving in the middle of nowhere when a llama crosses his path, and he’s supposed to be in New Jersey, but he’s not going to admit that he’s lost. The kitchen sink is spewing out sludge, and suddenly he can do the work of any plumber in the land. Yup, never admitting defeat.

4. Miss the bowl. We can aim. Seriously we can. But apparently peeing is such a boring activity that we have to spice it up by spraying it around. Which is fine when you live by yourself, but when a lady is around that won’t last long or you’ll be doing bathroom cleaning duty for a very long time.

5. Make excuses. It’s everybody else’s fault but his. In fact, the second his woman wants to talk he automatically says, “I didn’t do it,” as a defense mechanism. And when he is blamed for something you find out just how smart a guy is. Some guys think quickly on their feet and at least come up with something plausible, but others blame the dog or cat. Not going to get you by, bro.

Honorable mentions:

• Stare at cleavage. Drool much?
• Avoid housework. What? I was supposed to do that?
• Brag. Yeah, I did that.
• Shop without a list. Who cares how much things cost?
• Talk to the TV. Throw the ball, dammit!
• Stare at cleavage. Oh, I said that one already?

Sam