The Extrovert / Introvert Dichotomy

Why are some people introverted and others extroverted? Is there something in the genetic pool that just comes up for air with some people and stays underwater with others? Is it a product of society, or family, that makes someone outward or inward? Or is it maybe traumatic experiences that change someone’s state of being?

Yes.

I think everything can stem from a child’s parents, even before birth. There are traits passed on to children that deal with height, weight, hair color, eye color, and the like, so why not personality? We all know people who, when we meet their parents we say, “so, that’s why they’re the way they are!” They have the most influence on us from the womb on, so that makes sense.

Of course there are also people who don’t fit this paradigm, though, the person who is an introvert when both parents are gregarious and outgoing. What’s their excuse? Often kids from homes with two outgoing parents don’t want to draw attention to themselves. Their parents draw that attention to the whole family, and they are uncomfortable of even embarrassed about that, so they try to fade into the background.

There are also people we know who used to be introverts but who are now extroverted. How can that happen? I am a firm believer that people don’t change that way, that an introvert at birth is still an introvert throughout life. Maybe situations change, though, and affect how that person is viewed. If someone is comfortable in a place with certain people, they may appear outgoing, or extroverted when they really aren’t. Or when someone is under the influence of a substance, it could change how they react and act, but only when they are under that influence.

Throw all of that out the window when it comes to extroverts, however. While I believe that introverts don’t change, I think extroverts can. During traumatic experiences, some part of the brain shuts down so as not to deal with the experience, and another part is heightened, in order to survive the experience. This shift can stay after the event, the survival instinct, or the re-training of the brain. If this is the case, an extrovert may become introverted.

We have a tendency, as humans, to choose friends who are similar to us in some way, shape, or form. Introverts, when they reach out, usually do so to other introverts, people who won’t judge them for being the way they are. Extroverts tend to be attracted to others like them, because they need the action and the interaction in a way that they’re used to. It’s human nature.

So, why do we sometimes have friends who seem opposite of us? We see someone who is shy and reserved hanging out with a group of outspoken people, and we wonder if what people say about opposites attracting is true.

No.

What we generally see are extroverts who are trying to understand the introvert mindset in these scenarios. And the introvert who is “in” the group went along with it because introverts don’t like making waves or being noticed. Sometimes, too, you will see the opposite, when a group of introverts has a member who is outspoken. They are using the extrovert as a de facto leader so they don’t have to make decisions that affect the group, so they aren’t noticed.

The same is true with relationships. Opposites don’t usually attract, even if sometimes it appears that way from the outside. For the most part introverts who are in long term relationships choose a partner who is also introverted, and the same is true of extroverts. Most couples I know fit this to a T. Sure, there are some exceptions, but by and large this rings true.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m by no means saying we’re robots that go on autopilot and are only attracted to robots just like us. I’m merely acknowledging that introverts are that way for a reason, and the best way to maintain is to hang around people who are the same as they are. And extrocerts just want to be out there, and they naturally run into others out there who share that desire.

It’s only human nature.

Sam