If you subscribe to the creationist theory, then you will probably be familiar with the word of god, saying that he created woman to be man’s help meet. This phrase is often used by men when they want to do whatever they please, and they think their women should follow
them, but that’s not what god meant when he said that. Then just think about the traditional marriage vows regarding “for better or for worse,” which seems to mean that women should stick with their husbands regardless of the change in situation or communication. That is also a false statement. I think it’s time to update the language that makes up the conversation regarding marriage in the 21st century.
Did you know that the divorce rate in the United States is up to 54%? That means more marriages end unhappily, and not in death. Alanis Morissette says it perfectly in You Oughta Know, when she says, “Did she know how you told me you’d hold me until you died. Until you died. But you’re still alive.” Look at those vows again, and you’ll see, “Til death do us part,” which seems to mean we’re signing on for life. However, the divorce rate tells us differently (and, by the way, it isn’t much better for most other countries in the word). Seemingly, we now live in a world where there is a serious disconnect between what we say and what we do.
Today, when problems tend to crop up in a marriage, they are being swept under the rug, with no conversation whatsoever. We think this makes it all better, when instead it makes it easier for our partner to create a firm case against us. We don’t approach each other, and so we alienate each other. So many divorces are because of “irreconcilable differences,” and “alienation of affection,” which are just synonyms for “he just doesn’t talk to me anymore.” And where does all the conversation go? We are inherently social creatures and our spouses are supposed to be our sounding boards, but we don’t utilize them. Maybe we think it will affect their view of us negatively if we say what we want to say, so we keep silent, ironically affecting their view of us negatively. We can’t have it both ways, which is the big problem.
Now, the help meet debate could come in handy here. When asked, most wives said that if their husbands showed a more sensitive side, it would help them open up, and end the silence. And no, they don’t mean like the guys who come on Dr. Phil and sob their eyes out. That’s just superficial emotion, and not the kind that accomplishes anything meaningful in the long term. What wives are looking for are husbands who understand when they’re having a hard day and ask about it. They want husbands who can be counted on to share their feelings, even if those feelings are tough ones to handle. And in return they are willing to share the same things, but here’s the big one: they want the men to do it FIRST. That shows they’re really ready to commit to the new kind of conversation, and I think as a husband, I should be the one to start that conversation, but I shouldn’t be the one to finish it. It needs to be a give and take proposition in order for anything to change when it comes to marriage.
We all know that communication is key in changing things, but did you know that couples who share the most are also the ones who have longevity in their marriages and relationships? It goes hand in hand. The change from communication can be such a good thing, but it has to start at the beginning. It’s so much harder to get into a rhythm of not sharing, of not communicating, and then suddenly you’re asked to share. Especially when you can already see the finished line by then. And that’s the problem with divorce being so easy. Having a healthy marriage takes a lot of work, while getting a quickie divorce can be a quick proposition these days. But anything worth anything is going to be difficult, and the rewards from it are undeniable.
Sam
Sam's Online Journal 
The issue of a help mate is difinitely misunderstood. Just as the idea of submission in marriage. Men usually take that to mean that wives should submit to them. However, the bible is clear that in marriage there is to be a mutual submission. However, we live in a society that is anti absolute truth. So the truth of scripture is foreign to so many. The saddest however, is that scriptural truth is also misunderstood or ignored by those in church. This is evident by the high divorce rate among christians, which may be within the 30% range.
I like what you said about communication and the work involved in marriage.
I love how you put it about scriptural truths being ignored or misunderstood in church. This is definitely correct, whether or not it is being done on purpose.
It is an ongoing project, not something attained on the day of the vows. I do think it has helped us a lot that we agreed divorce is not an option.
I think that’s the major problem. Too many people on their wedding day are thinking, “This is cool, but if it starts going south, I have a get out of jail free card.” We need to say divorce is not an option. We can work through anything if we do it together.
I separated from my ex husband less than a month before our 9th anniversary. I was shown one thing when we dated… then once we were married, the situation became totally different. We married in January, and the following Summer I asked if we could go to some blended family counseling because I felt we could benefit from it. I had two of my own, he had three… three who did not live him while we dated… who, in fact, lived in Germany… and suddenly all three wanted to live with us. I was young and not prepared for 5 kids, I had just moved from my hometown to a new state… it was a lot, and all I wanted was some outside support and help. It never happened. Through the years, whenever we would have a fight, I would ask again for some sort of counseling. I was to the point I would tell him I was unhappy and wanted to leave, I was that broken down… still, nothing. Finally, almost 9 years later, I had had enough of the emotional abuse that he put on my children, the unfairness that I saw, the lack of help he was willing to get for him and us, and we separated. Only then did he try desperately to talk me into counseling. However, it was too late. He had promised before to look into it and it never happened. How long was I supposed to wait, to put up with it, to allow him to treat me and my kids that way?
Later he would get mad at the church and put part of the blame for our divorce on them. They should have stepped in, talked to me (not him), etc… the reason for our divorce, mental cruelty. I stood by it, and went before a judge to plead my case. It was not done lightly, or flippantly. I still question if I gave up too easily, if I should have given him one more chance… and then I remind myself of the MULTIPLE chances I gave him. I deserve better, and so do my kids. I would never advocate for divorce, but I can see why it happens in some cases. I never thought when we were dating, engaged or getting married that divorce was an option. Never thought we’d end up that way… but over the years, the lack of support from him, the refusal to provide for us what was needed emotionally, all took its toll. Even if I had stayed, I think that the damage done would have been a lot to overcome, on top of the other issues that brought us to that point.
You did all the things you were supposed to do to try and make your marriage work. It seems like he wasn’t emotionally available to meet you halfway. Compromise is so important, and communication is key. I’m just really surprised you stuck it out as long as you did. It can be incredibly trying, and frustrating, not to mention painful when you’re the only one striving to make something work. Counseling is a wonderful idea, by the way. It can be so helpful when you find you can’t seem to bring up issues on your own.
I just wanted an outside person to hear what was going on and tell me either a. I was right or 2. that I was over-reacting or wrong so I could then figure out what to do to change myself. Instead, I was forced to depend on friends, who were biased, of course, which didn’t help matters. Of course, when it was all said and done, people came out of the woodwork to then confirm things they had seen but didn’t feel it was their place to say anything about… which made me feel a little better.
It is always our place, as human beings, to validate each other.