I used to always run away. When things got tough, I got going… until I was far enough away that the situation looked like speck in the distance. It was easy too. In fact, I often used to say that the easiest thing to do was to pretend nothing happened, to get either physically or emotionally far away from whatever it was.
Distance was supposed to make things better, but even though it was easy to get away, it didn’t change anything, not really. So what was I really getting from it? It sure wasn’t perspective. It was instead a fear that whatever I had avoided would come for me anyway, that I hadn’t gotten far enough away, so I could never enjoy my freedom. I began to realize when I was far away that the only way to get real closure was to get in close.
Perspective is subjective.
I never wanted to stay and face my fears because I thought staying would kill me. I thought staying was an invitation for all that was horrible with the world to slide into my perfectly manicured world and destroy everything. I never wanted to stay and face those situations that riled me up because I was worried I would lose myself in the anger I knew I would have to generate to even be heard.
But staying isn’t about anger. It’s not even about overcoming fears. It’s really about acting instead of reacting, about standing up for myself and saying what’s on my mind. I always practiced avoidance, thinking that “out of sight” would equal “out of mind,” but I was only fooling myself, and not even doing a good job of that. Now I understand, though, that to really get rid of it I had to stay, to fight through it.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it’s worth it, because now I’m not being haunted by ghosts. I am making myself heard, and I’m getting past it. At long last.
Sam
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