Words

Words can get us into some serious trouble, can’t they?

Have you ever been in a situation where a misunderstanding involving the words you used (or didn’t use) caused a major rift between you and someone else? And all you wanted to do was SCREAM what you were really trying to say, but they weren’t listening and then you got upset that they wouldn’t at least give you a chance to explain. It becomes a vicious cycle that can even lead to a separation of long time friends, of lovers, or even of family members. How can we learn to use our words effectively and efficiently so there are less of those misunderstandings?

WAIT

So often we just say the first thing that comes to our minds. I know I’m guilty of it too, but it hits my brain and it comes right out of my mouth. I don’t subscribe to the theory that if it pops into your brain it means that’s how you really feel. I think sometimes our brains are just jumbled up and they can’t process the information that quickly, and the default is saying something stupid. Or saying something we don’t mean. Or saying something that is unclear. That becomes the problem of not letting those thoughts marinate before trying to put them into words.

A friend of mine told me something very important today. He said that he used to say so many dumb things, and people would call him on it. He got so frustrated that he couldn’t seem to say what he really meant that he stopped talking altogether. Eventually he realized that in time, if he just shut his mouth, he was able to figure it all out and say what he really meant. It was great for me to hear that because too many people don’t take the time to analyze their thoughts and organize their words beforehand.

LISTEN

The other part of choosing your words carefully is actually listening to what other people are saying to you. When I’m involved in a conversation it’s easy to think all the time about what I’m going to say next instead of listening to what the other person is telling me. But if you listen to the inflection, to the cadence, to the words they say, and to the way they say them, it can definitely help you structure what you’re going to say in response. It’s always good practice to remember, too, that just because it’s the truth doesn’t mean it needs to be told.

For example, a friend of mine is going through a tough break-up, and what she needs is someone who is there for her, who validates her pain, and who offers a shoulder and an ear. What she doesn’t need is someone to keep bringing up her ex, even if it might be relevant to the conversation. Sense the tone, and the situation. Listen.

IN WRITING

Now we have this age of technology where we spend more time talking to people through the written word than through the spoken word. When was the last time you actually picked up your cell phone to call someone? Texting has become so easy to do because you don’t have to give a solid block of your time to do it. You can text someone, or several someones at the same time, all while doing a veritable smorgasboard of other things as well. But while it’s really easy to send a quick email, a Facebook message, or a text, it’s also easy to misinterpret meanings in those words we’ve typed out. And unlike spoken language, the written word is there for all time, in black and white.

Having our conversations be written ones also lends itself to misunderstandings because there is no inflection. We can’t listen to the way the other person “said” their words, and that makes for a lot of possible issues. I wish there was a series of something like voicemails where we can record a quick message and instantly send it to each other without going through the ritual of calling the number, letting it ring, and then leaving the message. That way we can have the convenience of a text message, but the other person can hear the way we said the words, which might help tremendously.

REFLECT

The last way we can learn to use our words effectively is through constant reflection on our interactions throughout the day. Perhaps you’re worried because the last text message you sent to your friend never received a reply, and you think the other person might have been offended by what you said. Think back on what you said, and think about how it might have been misinterpreted. Reflection is often the missing piece to the puzzle that, while it might not always clear things up, can open up a sorely needed dialogue that can rectify whatever situation might have been lingering.

It was this reflective piece that helped my friend from above realize he needed to just shut his mouth until the words in his head were organized properly. That’s probably the best advice we can all take when it comes to our words, because once they’re out in the world, they multiply, and they can take on lives of their own.

Keep your words to yourself until you’re sure you want them out there, and until you know they are coming out the way you intend.

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” -Mark Twain

Sam