Why do so many first dates end up without the scheduling of a second? How is it that with so many single people out there women still can’t seem to find a “good man”? Why is the probability of someone remaining single if they’re single by age 30 increasing every year? How can the process of dating be less of a hassle and more of what it was intended to be, a way to meet the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with?
Back in olden times, dating was called courtship, a fancy term to mean that a gentleman picked up a lady at her house, drove her to a nice dinner, had scintillating conversation, and returned her to her doorstep at the pre-approved time. Even the use of the word gentleman to describe the fellow is telling. He opened doors for the lady, pulled out her chair at dinner, and asked her if she was chilled, in which case he would let her borrow his cardigan. And ladies were just that, demure and proper, but not doormats. Ladies spoke their minds in a tactful manner and thanked their dates properly when they were dropped off.
Fast forward to the present, when a dude shows up whenever (I ain’t got no watch), the babe makes him wait even longer, then she comes out dressed in what could only be described as underwear (and not very big underwear, either), and he honks at her. After she hustles her way out to his car in ridiculously tall heels (hootchie style) because he’s parked across the street, she opens her own car door (she’s an independent babe), jumps in, and they go to Arby’s. After the date, they drive to the far corner of the lot where the lights are broken, and they do everything but have full-on sex (gotta save that til the second date). After the “date” is over, he drops her off in front of her house, she adjusts her “outfit,” and he waits four days to bootie-text her again, unless he finds someone else who will give it up on the first date.
Wow, what a shift. This is a big reason why the above-mentioned questions exist and why there are so many more being added on every day. It’s all about values. What does society value, and why is it that so many of us seem to buy into the value system esteemed by that society?
Virginity used to be valued a lot more than it is now, for several reasons. The same can be said of long-term relationships and proper dating etiquette. But society says that virginity is overrated, that long-term relationships aren’t practical, and that women don’t need anyone doing anything for them, so don’t even offer. When in reality virginity is a precious gift that can’t ever be recovered and so should be treasured. Long-term relationships, when they’re with the right person, can be completely fulfilling and incredible. And there is something about etiquette that doesn’t pre-suppose that women are weak and can’t do anything for themselves. Etiquette is a nice way of honoring a woman by doing something for her that she could easily do herself. It’s the gesture that’s important. But these things have gotten lost in the transformation from old-school courting to modern-day dating.
The biggest value when it comes to any kind of relationship should be placed on communication. That is the essence of every successful relationship, and the reason why so many relationships don’t go farther, or inevitably end. That’s the answer to every single question at the beginning of this post, by the way.
We tend to assume so many things, and while we may be assuming the date went well, the other person who was on the date thinks it was an absolute disaster. So he says he’ll call, because he’s trying to be nice, but he never will, and you sit by the phone waiting for that call that you eventually realize was never going to come. Now, if he had just communicated to you that he wasn’t “feeling it” it would have saved you a lot of trouble and anxiety. And if you had just communicated to him that you thought it went well, he could have been honest and told you his side. Maybe you could have figured out why there was the disconnect and filed it away for future reference in other possible relationships.
Then, there’s the fact that people lie. I remember when I was on OKCupid so long ago now and I saw profiles that couldn’t possibly be true. One of them started off, “I’m an attractive female…” There was a picture with the profile. She did not look attractive. Did she think that by saying it I would re-evaluate? Another profile said, “I’m as comfortable in high heels as I am in sneakers.” I honestly don’t want to meet the person for which this is true, if that person does actually exist. We all know that guys lie too. “I’m 6’3″ and 180 pounds,” really means I’m 5’7″ and 250. Then there’s posting the picture from 10 years ago, or the picture that isn’t even you, but is some studly dude who really does have the six-pack you claim to own.
And we’re surprised when relationships don’t pan out, when women just get so frustrated with the dating pool they’ve been wading in that they just grab their towels and get out. In reality, there are good guys out there, guys who will treat a woman right, who will listen to her, be there for her, and challenge her to be all she wants to be. On the other side, there are girls who aren’t hootchies (hootchies need love too), who have wonderful hearts, who are giving and complementary to potential mates. But we spend so much time pretending to be what we’re not that we don’t let anyone see those positive qualities.
Society demands that we fit cookie-cutter molds, and even when we don’t, we do. Think about the goth culture. They demand to be recognized as different, as not fitting societal molds, and yet all they’ve done is create their own mold and attracted people to it. The same is true for any other “counter-culture” effort, when in reality we need to be individuals. That’s what’s lacking. Individuals with brains who think for themselves, who have their own opinions, and who voice them. We need to communicate that individuality so that the person on the other side of the table can see us for who we are, and can base their judgments on that, not the fake person we seem to think we need to present.
What it takes is courage and a strong sense of self to be that person, though, even though it’s the real us, because we spend so much time running away from it and embracing those societal molds. Well, they’re moldy, and we need to get that fresh perspective back because potential mates are looking for it and missing it on those first dates that don’t turn into second ones. Learn to value yourself and your unique perspective, and others will too. That’s how we get back to those dating values that were at the forefront in courting.
** Side-note: Remember, I am not some kind of expert in dating, just a guy who believes wholeheartedly in being upfront and embracing who we are. Think about it, even if you were to create the kind of person someone else wants in their life, what are you going to do when the real you shows up? Or how will you go the rest of your life pretending? Seems like a whole lot of stress to me.
Sam
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