Category: commentary

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The Apologist

“I wanted to apologize for everything I was, so I’m sorry, so sorry…” – The Apologist, R.E.M. I have said that phrase more than 2,159 times over the course of the past year, and each time it has come out of my mouth I’ve meant it. Forest Gump would probably say, “Sorry is as sorry … Continue reading The Apologist

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Grammatical Faux Pas

Grammar! Grammar! Oh yeah!

A friend of mine challenged me the other day over my use of the word “less” when I really meant to say “fewer.” When I looked back it in stark black and white there was honestly no way I could defend my position, and I felt beyond embarrassed. For me, an English teacher, who knows all of the rules, to blatantly demolish one because I was tired when I wrote the phrase was an untenable position. I immediately deleted it and hoped no one else had seen the horror that was my grammatical faux pas. But we are all human. Here are some of the more egregious grammatical faux pas I have seen and heard: Continue reading “Grammatical Faux Pas”

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I Don’t Exist

He pretends I don’t exist, with this carefree air about him that disguises the turmoil I hope he feels. Whether it is turmoil over missing out, or if the turmoil is that I’m still here, I don’t think I’ll ever know, but I do know it has to be there. Otherwise, what has it all really been about for him all this time?

And we’ve never met, although we’ve been in the same building, the same room, even the same small airspace many different times. My wife and children are even genetically linked to this man, not that you would know it from the moments we’ve been close enough to have conversations that never existed.

Continue reading “I Don’t Exist”

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The Fugly Duckling

Who is that guy?

I grew up thinking I was ugly, or “fugly,” as the teenagers called it in the early ’90s. Don’t worry, I won’t explain the combination of words it takes to come up with the word fugly, but suffice it to say it wasn’t a very nice word to call others. From an early age I remember looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw, though. Sure, I knew I was smart, and I knew my family loved me (at least most of the time), and I knew someone would always be there for me, but I realized even then that I wasn’t what you would call classically handsome. It took me ages, however, to comprehend that none of that mattered anyway.

Take a look at the number one culprit of eating disorders everywhere, the mass media. The magazine shows a woman with a ridiculously slim waist, practically nonexistent breasts, and “an ass that just won’t quit.” On the television you can see a woman with a normal-sized waist, enormous breasts, and “an ass that won’t quit.” This second type is known as the “hourglass” figure. It seems like the only prerequisite for being famous is to have a posterior that refuses to stop. Continue reading “The Fugly Duckling”

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Passing the Buck

Shaggy swears it wasn’t him.

“It wasn’t me.”

That’s the most commonly used expression in the world, didn’t you know? When a mother asks her oldest child who knocked over the lamp, that’s what she gets in response. When a coach asks his star player who was responsible for the team losing the game, the player usually gives this response. When your boss asks you who forgot to send that email to corporate, that phrase is probably on the tip of your tongue, whether it was your fault or not. And that’s where the problem comes in.

If no one saw you do it, then it wasn’t you. Who can prove it anyway? It’s all about what is commonly called “passing the buck.” Continue reading “Passing the Buck”