I’m a big believer in questioning things. Why am I doing this? Why am I going there? What’s the benefit from spending my time in these ways? I think I’m this way because of how it was for me growing up in a religion where I was never asked to question anything. Why is there a god? Because I said so. Why do I have to go to church? Because that’s the way it’s always been. So I grew up to question pretty much everything.
That’s why usually it takes me a while to make decisions. It’s not because I’m up in the air about whatever decision needs to be made. It’s because I’m questioning why I should do it. I don’t think that “because I want to” is a good enough response most times. Perhaps because, among the many hats I wear, the “father” hat is the most important one, so if it’s not something that directly benefits my children I generally think longer about my reasoning for it.
So, now I’ve got a secret to tell you. I think I have an addictive personality. When I was younger I used to be quite ritualistic, from the number of times I would brush each tooth, to the exact minute I would get out of bed every day, and everything in between. That grew to the number of times I stir my coffee, to the volume the TV needs to be set at, to even the position of items on my desk. I am addicted to this kind of order to my life, which is funny because in most other ways I’m pretty laid back.
I don’t think I have OCD (though the coffee stirring–sixteen times every time–might tell you otherwise), but I have certainly questioned it enough times.
Because of what I feel is this addictive personality (I’m sure a psychiatrist could support or debunk this theory) I don’t allow myself to go to casinos, or to seriously gamble on sporting events. I would probably be the guy who is up big but lets it all ride and comes crashing down, so I just don’t put myself in those situations. The question would be, “Is it worth it?” and the answer would inevitably be “No,” so I don’t do it. That’s not to say I haven’t felt the pull of the gambling bug, believe me, but I also know people who have crashed and burned in this endeavor, who have risked and lost all to the roll of the dice.
So I keep questioning as I go through my life, never settling on a diagnosis of “Because I said so,” or “Because that’s the way it’s always been.” Why has it always been that way? I’ve done quite a bit of research on pretty much everything I’ve ever questioned and found out so many horrific reasons for why things have been done a certain way for so long. Well, no longer, at least where I’m concerned.
I think I question so much because I lived for far too long unsure of who I really was, of what I really wanted. Have you seen the movie Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts? At one point in the film it’s made clear that all the men she’s been with thought she liked her eggs the way they did, but she was just going along to get along. In the end even she didn’t know what kind of way she liked her eggs because she didn’t know who she was apart from those men, from those relationships, which is why she often ran.
I don’t want to run anymore. So I question. I don’t always like the answers, either, and I often make some changes based on those answers, but in the end I’m glad that I question, that I’m not some mindless automaton taking my eggs a certain way because I don’t want to be “difficult,” going to events I don’t want to go to because I don’t want to be seen as “anti-social,” being the person I think others want me to be instead of just being myself. I finally know who that is, by the way, so I’m going to guard it with my life.
Why am I writing this? Because maybe you’re like I was, just living life without thinking about the “why.” Ask away. You might be surprised at the real answers.