Every time I walk into a Starbucks I know exactly what I’m going to order — a cup of coffee, regular coffee, in the Venti size. Oh, with room for cream. I have always done so, and I will probably always do so, every single time I walk into a Starbucks. But I can’t just leave it there. I always feel the need to mess with the employees (baristas, whatever) by staring up at the board and feigning indecision, by hemming and hawing as if I’ve never been in a Starbucks before.
Barista: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you today?
Me: Uh. Um. Do you have a regular coffee?
Barista: Well, we have many different varieties of coffee, as you can see on the board.
Me: But, do you have just regular coffee? You know, like I would make in my Keurig at home?
Barista: Sir, this is Starbucks. We have many different kinds of coffee.
Me: So… uh, I just want a regular coffee, in the, um, small size.
Barista: We carry Tall, Grande, and Venti, sir.
Me: But if this was a regular cafe, which one would be a small?
Barista: I guess that would be the Tall.
Me: But Tall sounds like it would be ginormous. I don’t want a ginormous cup of coffee. I have a tiny bladder. I want small, and I know they rhyme, but you get it, right?
Barista: The Tall is just like a small here, sir. [He says, showing me one of the cups. The line behind me is getting restless because they all know their orders.]
Me: So, if I just tell you I want a regular small coffee, can’t you just translate it into whatever language you use here and get me a regular small coffee? Like the kind that I can make in my Keurig at home?
Barista [to the other barista behind the counter]: Regular coffee. Tall.
Me: Now, that wasn’t too hard, was it?
I’m nearly certain he spit in my coffee when I was looking down at my phone, typing in this conversation so I wouldn’t forget it. But damn, that was so worth it.