Burn

“Tell me why I should stay in this relationship when I’m hurting baby. I ain’t happy baby. Plus there’s so many other things I gotta deal with. I think that you should let it burn.” ~Usher

Why is it so hard to light that match? No matter how toxic a relationship may be, it is still after all a relationship, and those are not easy to come by. Believe me. Sometimes we stay in horrific situations just so we can say we are “with someone.” But being single doesn’t make us some kind of pariahs. Of course that’s easier said than experienced.

“It’s not you; it’s me,” is usually true, no matter how cliche it sounds at the time. You are not the problem. Whatever way he/she views you is the problem. It’s their own hangups that doom your relationship, not the idiosyncrasies you may or may not have. And just because more than one person may have fed you that line, that doesn’t make it any less true the second and third time around.

But it hurts nonetheless, the conversation that ends something you thought might last forever. And the other person moves on while you’re standing still, while you’re going through the stages of grief that should be reserved for someone’s death. But for you it’s the death of love, which can be so much worse than the death of a physical person. Because with the death of love comes the possibility of seeing that person again and stirring up all those feelings again. It’s devastation at its finest.

We all deserve to be happy, don’t we? If being in a relationship makes you happy then enjoy that, but don’t let the initial happiness blind you to what’s becoming of that same relationship. Sometimes happiness dies and is replaced by something else like pity or worse, apathy, a sense of routine that takes over everything and blinds you to the truth. That’s why we should analyze our feelings early and often. Why should we be blindsided by the other person when they say “we have to talk”?

Light that match. Let it burn. Sometimes that’s the only way to be mentally healthy. Don’t think about how much you love him, how much you adore her; think about what being with him or her does for you and to you. Love is not enough. Love is just a Band-aid that can cover up some serious issues at first, and then it becomes an excuse to stay together. Love is just a start. It has to be followed up by real, honest communication and a pact to always have the other persons’ best interests in mind.

Stand still with me.

“I love you, but…” begins so many breakup conversations. And let’s be honest. It’s never really a conversation, is it? It’s really a rehearsed speech by the other person that goes on as planned even if you interrupt. Because it’s not about you. It’s not the time to try and apologize for being the you that you can’t help being. It’s not the time to grovel for them to give you more time, to say that you can change. Because why should you change when they so obviously want someone else? Why apologize for being the person they claim they still love?

You need to let it burn, even if they are the ones who gathered the kindling and rubbed the sticks together. Don’t let someone else determine your self worth. Let it burn down to embers and ash, and emerge from the blazing inferno fresh and new, like a phoenix rising into a spectacular rebirth. Respect yourself enough to realize it was truly about them, not you, that they made the best mistake because it means you’re free in a way you never could have been when you were with them.

Let it burn.

Sam