Dear Journal,
I’ve never owned a house. I mean, I know what it’s like to own a house because my wife owns this house. It’s in her name, but it’s as much my house as hers, at least beneath the surface. Which is fine with me, but technically I’ve never owned a house. When you own a house you know all about leases because it’s the alternative. It’s the amount you pay each month to make sure you can still live someplace, until you’ve finally decided to move on. That’s how my life has been lately.
It’s not easy feeling frustrated over money, knowing that I have a talent that isn’t being utilized, and working very hard to get somewhere but feeling like I’m standing still instead. I had begun to feel like the lyrics from that song. “Speeding up to slow down.” I’ve been going back and forth over figuring out my options for months now, and at every turn I have felt incapable of progression. “Two steps forward, two steps back.” I felt like I’ve been paying my dues but I haven’t made any progress towards finally owning my life.
But everything happens for a reason, and my life has taken some turns, even in the past few days. I feel like Harry Potter when he found out he was “The Chosen One.” Or like Neo in the Matrix when he too found out that he was the salvation of his whole world. And not because I feel special, but because I feel like somehow, some way, the world has changed course, at least for the moment, to give me a chance I didn’t think I would have again — a new lease. Now I’m trying to capitalize on it, to banish those thoughts of not being up to the task, of not having enough capital to cash those emotional checks.
Because while I’ve never owned a house, I’ve owned my sense of possibility, and I might be on the verge of owning it again. Maybe for good.
Sam
Sam's Online Journal 