Fear Of The Thing Itself

“No one is absolutely fearless. Many of us have simply learned to be good at facing our fears.” ~Theodicus

I fear that moment before someone says something I don’t want to hear. I can usually see it coming a mile away, by the expression on their faces, by the furrowed eyebrows, the subtle downturn of the lips, and then by their lead-in. “I hate to be the one to have to tell you this…” You know, that moment when you haven’t yet heard the negative but your disposition is no longer sunny because you know it’s coming. In that moment, every single time, I wish I could pause time and fast forward to the process of dealing with the news instead of having to hear it escape their lips.

I fear the dark, the pitch black dark that completely swallows me whole so I can’t even see a fraction of a millimeter in front of my own face. When there’s no light for miles around, or at least it seems that way. I remain sane through it only because I close my eyes and imagine there is a muted glow on the other side. I pretend the pitch black darkness is by choice and not because it was forced upon me instead. It makes it a little more tolerable, but we can’t truly trick our bodies to accept what we know isn’t true, not for long stretches of time anyway. Or can we? I wish we could.

I fear rejection — rejection of me, rejection of my work, or rejection of others who are close to me. When people honestly have a problem with me for whatever reason, or they dislike something I’ve spent a lot of time working on, or they dislike my family, it makes me want to scream, to holler, to lash out. But I don’t because somewhere deep down inside that fear controls me more than I’d like to admit. I would rather someone feel negatively about me but never say anything about it, to put on that fake face, but one that I believe, and go through life oblivious of their feelings than to have to face that rejection head on. And I know it makes me a weak person, and I’m trying to change it, but that’s how it stands right now.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear” ~George Addair

I fear making the wrong decision. I’ve always been a perfectionist, and even though I know that we learn through mistakes, I detest making them. A lot of the time I will postpone making a decision, just put it off, because I am so afraid of making the wrong one and having to backtrack. Or worse yet, not being able to backtrack. Making the ultimate wrong decision that leads to horrible things for me and for people I love. I’ve had horrible dreams about that, and I’ve dealt with making the wrong decision more times than I care to admit.

But even with those fears driving tent pegs into my head at times, I embrace them too, because the alternative — fearing absolutely nothing — would be horrifying to consider. If I had no fears I would do stupid things just because I could. I would never pause to think about anything before doing it. Because, like it or not, I know that fears can be legitimate ways your mind tells your body that something might not be good for it. I know that fears can be a solid base on which to grow and flourish, and that the battle through your fears can help you become a stronger person.

If I had no fears life would probably be a short one. So I am glad I have them, if just because they help me be grateful that I’m still alive.

Sam