Month: March 2014

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How to Trap a Leprechaun, Part 1

Leprechaun-WallpapaerThe first leprechaun I remember was the pipe-smoking one on the Boston Celtics’ logo who could have been mistaken for Mr. Magoo had he not been smoking the aforementioned pipe and balancing a basketball on the tip of his finger. And shortly thereafter I was introduced to that loveable curmudgeon on the Lucky Charms box with the brilliant green hat and abnormally tiny hands. Of course neither one was guarding a pot of gold when I saw them, so I figured they had left their gold unprotected and I went on expeditions to find it. Um, yeah. The joys of being 14.

Leprechauns were fascinating to me because they had something I didn’t: magic. And I wanted to find their gold, but I wouldn’t have sniffed at catching one of them for my very own. Legend has it that a leprechaun who has gotten captured has to grant its captor any three wishes in exchange for letting him go. I knew just what I wanted to do with those three wishes too.

  1. Get the newest pair of Air Jordan’s
  2. Be the most popular kid in school
  3. Have unlimited free pizza

The last one was negotiable. Free macaroni and cheese would have been just as good, but the Air Jordan’s had to be the black ones, and if I wasn’t at least more popular than Stanley Knapp then #2 wouldn’t have been worth it either. But then again I knew that according to folklore the leprechaun would have to give me exactly what I wanted, so I wasn’t too worried about it turning out poorly. I just had to catch him first. Continue reading “How to Trap a Leprechaun, Part 1”

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Six For Saturday

It’s funny how we all have interactions with others every day, and some of those interactions stick in our minds while others just drop right out the moment they’re over. Most times it’s odd the things that stick, and we’re stuck standing still wondering why what we thought was important disappeared. Of course it might … Continue reading Six For Saturday

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Friends With Benefits

friends_with_benefits_c“What exactly does that phrase mean, ‘friends with benefits?’ Does he provide her with health insurance?” -Sheldon Cooper

I have no idea who coined the phrase, but it’s one that I’ve never felt really fit: friends with benefits. Of course I know what it means. It’s been bandied about a lot in the past ten years or so, yet I’m curious who the people are who honestly believe that having sex with friends is supposedly advantageous. I have always been of the opinion that sex complicates things that used to be easy, which is no benefit, no benefit at all.

True friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep, at least for most of us. Friendship is a complex construct that forges a connection between individuals who may be as distinctive from each other as snowflakes. And it can be quite tenuous as well, with the smallest differences driving a wedge between people. But the one thing that a friendship should give you is a sense of community, that acceptance that few things can give. So why jeopardize something that is so delicate and worthy of protection at all costs? Continue reading “Friends With Benefits”

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Fountain of Youth

FOUNTAIN-OF-YOUTH1The explorer Ponce de Leon was desperate to find a land of riches and the mystical “fountain of youth” when he landed in Florida in the early part of the fourteenth century. It was apparently a get rich quick scheme that had much more to do with finding gold and precious jewels than in locating the magical fountain that was said to reverse the aging process. In the Bible there is a similar fountain mentioned, in a place called Bethesda, where the sick and infirm came to touch the waters and be healed. Does it in fact exist in this day and age? I believe so.

First off, before you think I’m some kind of kook, I’ll explain. I don’t actually think there’s a basin with water in it that will bring back your youth. I don’t believe in magic of that kind, and neither, I think, did Ponce de Leon, or Hernando de Soto after him. I think they were fascinated by the idea of something otherworldly that could make them live forever, but aren’t we all? It’s one of the reasons I think we are so into vampires, zombies and the like right now. Just look at television shows, books, and movies.

Is that the answer? As a writer I am very sensitive to the idea of words being that source of everlasting youth. When I go back into my earlier writings I am transported back in time, and to an extent all readers are when they delve into literature from when they were young. The body secretes a hormone that emerges when those memories are triggered, creating a sense of release, not unlike letting out that breath that you were holding, like coming home and relaxing. The same is true of anything that triggers those memories, in essence bringing each person back to the time of his/her youth.

I believe it’s more than that, though. Continue reading “Fountain of Youth”

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realisticlove.com

okcupidWouldn’t it be refreshing to see a dating site where people had to tell it like it is instead of being able to lie about every little thing?

I’m a 65-year-old, balding man with a predilection for scratching myself often, whenever the mood strikes. Been engaged five times but none of them ever turned into marriage. Got eight kids, though, by six different women, none of whom I’m on speaking terms with now. But I’m a good catch, so inbox me for more details. Oh, and the photos of me are all selfies done yesterday in good lighting so you can clearly see my beer gut. And I’m broke, so if we get together you’re paying.

I would kill to see a site like that out there. I mean, maybe there’s someone for this guy who doesn’t mind all the issues and who would give him a chance anyway. I often hear people talk about how they don’t judge others, but maybe that goes for everything except love. If there was a site called realisticlove.com perhaps no one would ever find love there, if everyone was like the guy above anyway.

Of course being completely honest about ourselves online is more difficult than roping a bull in a kitchen. Because having the screen between you and the other person makes it so easy to fib just a little bit. You have a large mid-section… just say you’re “full-figured.” You wear huge pop-bottle glasses… ditch them for the already airbrushed photo. You are already in an unfulfilling relationship… just type “single,” and when you find someone else willing to tolerate you, that’s your exit.

I’m a 24-year-old girl with a thick mustache and chronic halitosis. I’m huge into knitting, and I snore like a tractor running over rocks. I can’t go out into the sunlight because my skin is way too sensitive for that, and I live on a steady diet of snails imported from Israel. They’re wicked expensive, but my mother, who I still live with, pays for them with the money she gets from selling her foodstamps to the couple who live in the box. If you want to get together sometime I am free whenever. Hit me up.

Continue reading “realisticlove.com”