The F Word

I hear it everywhere, from on the streets, to at work, on television shows, and even from my own children. It’s pervasive in this culture, and I can’t stand it. Every single time I hear that word I want to scream because it’s probably the single most overused, and most incorrectly used, word in the language. When I was younger I used to use it to excess too, so I understand why it’s so widely used, but as I’ve gotten older it just grates on me and I want to say something every time I hear someone say it. The other day I was at work when a little kid was whining to her mom, and she said the F word. I wanted to say something to her, but her mother did it instead, explaining what that word really meant. I was proud of her; it’s not often that I hear anyone corrected for its use.

Then I told my seven-year old she couldn’t have her iPad this morning, and I heard it for the umpteenth time come out of her mouth.

“But Dad, it’s not FAIR!” she told me, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

“It’s not fair that some people don’t have anything to eat while others waste food,” I said. “It’s not fair that other kids don’t have an iPad and you do. You want to give them yours?”

And she looked at me like I was crazy, but she didn’t say anything else. She just pouted and went into the other room. That’s because even though I made some seriously valid points, she just doesn’t get it. To her fair means getting what she wants no matter what because that’s how other people obsessively use it. When they say something isn’t fair it becomes synonymous with “I didn’t get my way.” So, what really is fair?

Fair means:

• free from bias
• free from injustice
• honest

Fair does not mean:

• equal

My daughters get two hours of screen time per day, and Alexa has become adept at marking it down to the minute. A few days ago I told her she had to put her iPad away because her time was up, but her sister still had hers out. She immediately spoke up. “But Daddy, Madeline still has hers! That’s not fair.” And I explained how Madeline hadn’t used the same amount of time that day as her sister did. And yesterday Alexa was upset because I spent a lot of time working with Madeline on using the toilet when she wanted something to eat. She told me, “That’s not fair! I’m hungry.” But it was fair, and I explained the importance of using the toilet, and I think she finally understood what I was getting at.

I felt like for once I was making progress with her, and then she says what she said this morning and I wanted to explode. But it takes time and extensive training, not to mention repetition, to counteract all the learning that society and other children have given Alexa about what is and what isn’t fair. And I need to also take a look at myself and my own ideas about other words and their real meanings. Words like “conscience,” “love,” and “respect.” And I think there’s room for learning a little more about that other F word too.

Sam