Sleep is the Cousin of Death

“It drops deep as it does in my breath. I never sleep, ’cause sleep is the cousin of death.” -Nas

I remember when I was younger than I am now and I thought that being asleep meant dying, and waking up again was being reborn. It made me afraid to go to sleep for fear that I would never awaken in the morning. I would lie in my bed with my headphones plugged into my black and white television and the sound down low when I was supposed to be asleep. The flickering images on that little screen would keep me awake for probably fifteen minutes longer than I otherwise would have been, then my eyes would droop and I would fade. At some point during the night the headphones would get twisted up and pull themselves out of the TV and the sound would somehow be louder than I thought it was, but I wouldn’t wake up. I slept the sleep of the dead.

And I always have. When I was in high school I would always be the last one up, and my roommate would generally get me up by banging on the bottom of my top bunk or jumping on me when I had the bottom bunk. I was lucky he wouldn’t stick my hand in warm water instead. That would have been very uncomfortable and embarrassing, but I was spared such treatment at least. When I was in college and living back at home my alarm would go off for a solid hour. My mother would bang on my door, and my sister would scream all sorts of epithets in order to get me to shut it off. To no avail. When my body was ready to get up, I did, and only then. I was lucky I had a lock on my door because I know my sister would have pounded on me if she could have.

I read this book about astral projection once and I found it fascinating. In it the author talked about how your soul could leave your body in sleep and travel anywhere your imagination could go. It would leave your body and just fly wherever it wanted, and only when it returned could you wake up. At first flush that sounded refreshing, but then she explained that because your soul and your mind are connected, you were actually still awake and you would be dreadfully tired by the time your body accepted your soul again. And if you were gone for too long from your body your body would die, and your soul would eventually dissipate. It didn’t sound so good anymore after I knew that.

But I’ve gotten better, and I credit fatherhood with that. I no longer yearn for the joys of astral projection, and I don’t have a TV in my bedroom anymore. Sleep isn’t death, even though it may be the cousin of death. I am alert to sounds from the other bedroom now, and I wake up  almost every single morning when my alarm goes off. As I get older I realize I’m less afraid of the things I used to be afraid of and more afraid of other things… like growing old. But life goes on, and we sleep for 1/3rd of our lives. So I’m going to make the most of it by dreaming sweet dreams instead of being anxious and fearing what I cannot control.

“And if tonight my soul may find her peace in sleep, and sink in good oblivion, and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower, then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.” – D.H. Lawrence

Sam