“I’m Supportive, Like a Good Bra”

You know those kinds of people, the ones who always seem ready with a poignant quotable phrase? And you’re ridiculously jealous because the best you could come up with on the spur of the moment is, “Don’t eat yellow snow.” Then you see those memes that make you laugh out loud, even when you don’t want to like them, and you just have to share them, wishing all the while that you were the one who came up with the words for them. It starts to seem like everyone is more creative and witty than you, and you just want to go crawl under a rock somewhere.

Well, let me tell you something: THEY’RE NOT MORE CREATIVE AND WITTY THAN YOU ARE. Sorry for shouting, but it’s important that you hear it loud and clear. They just know the value of good timing and how to steal other people’s material. You see, most of the things you think are spur of the moment aren’t. And most of those people you are jealous of should be jealous of you, because at least you’re honest about not having good ideas. You really shouldn’t eat yellow snow. Indeed.

Some of my best ideas are ones that have been around forever, either rattling around in my brain because I came up with them at a time when it was useless to try and say them, or they came from other people who said amazing things that stuck with me. Poignant quotable phrases are the same with me as well. And no one ever asks where your material came from, so you can take passive credit without feeling too badly about it. You just made their day, or at least got them to laugh. Chalk one up for having a good memory. They key is just to know exactly when it’s perfect to use a line and around which groups of people.

** “I’m supportive, like a good bra.”

This quote goes best around women, not men. It should only be used after she said, “Why aren’t more men supportive of their women?”

** “That’s about as funny as a moose on Prozac.”

This quote works well in mixed company, as men are just as likely to laugh at is are men. It works best when someone has just said a line that fell completely flat. It is not good to just say out of the blue or it will be the line that falls completely flat.

** “It must be hard being you. I’d die if I had a friend as good looking as me.”

This quote only works when you’re the one most people wouldn’t qualify as the “good-looking” one. If you can corner the market on funny, remember that’s what prospective girlfriends are looking for in their men, even more so than looks. Plus, it shows you don’t place much stock in looks, either, making her feel more secure around you.

Then there’s other gems like:

“Stupid people have more fun. I hear.”

“Money can’t buy you love, but it sure makes it easier to appreciate golddiggers.”

“Everybody knows who I am. What am I doing wrong?”

While most people aren’t coming up with these things right at the time they’re saying them, there are genuinely some people who can do it. If you find one of them, they’re pretty easy to recognize. They’re the ones who won’t stop talking, who have a comeback for everything you say. See, those other people who are storing up the things to say need time to access them. So, know the difference. You can still appreciate someone who can remember those lines, but you also won’t be feeling inadequate around them anymore. And if you’re around the genuine article (be careful, they’re fragile), just appreciate it, because not everyone can do what they can do. Oh, and…

don’t eat yellow snow.

Sam