I had an afro a long time ago, but after afros were really popular and before they came back into style. I am just such a cool individual that way. Well, at least that’s what I told myself when I was fighting for an hour every morning to keep that thing styled just right without messing it up. Yeah, those were the days. Then I shaved it all off right after the shaved head look died out. I just couldn’t catch a break.
I was never popular, but not for a lack of trying. I respect all those people who say they’re comfortable with themselves and they don’t need to impress anyone, but I think that is just something people say. I at least have an innate need to please other people and to fit in, and when I inevitably don’t fit in or please certain people I feel like a big fat failure.
You can imagine how high school was for me. I stayed far away from the popular kids, hoping that they would think me aloof and want to be around me. If only I had had just one person tell me what a stupid plan that was. And the nerdy kids I hung out with I always thought only felt sorry for me, which made me feel worse.
I wore MC Hammer pants in 1994, when everyone else had moved on to tight jeans. Was there a memo or something that I missed? And I bought a sweater vest because I thought it made me look suave. I enjoyed retro video games when everyone else was into the new stuff, and I got into the new stuff when everyone else was going retro. Some people can pull off that backwards thing with style, but not me.
Everybody told me to hang in there, though, that things would get better, that it was just high school. But college wasn’t any different, except that there were others there who were just as backwards as I was. I’m still not sure if that made me popular in a smaller sphere or if that just made me even more pathetic. I think either way it wasn’t a positive statement.
Now I’m growing a handlebar mustache. You know the kind, with the thick, wiry look, and the twisted up ends, circa 1852. And I’m pretending this won’t be the dumbest hair choice I’ve made since the afro days, but I’m not doing a very good job of it. Which is okay, because even though I still harbor illusions of being popular someday, I know now that they’re just illusions.
And, shhhh, don’t tell the popular kids, but I think they might just have some of the same issues I have.
Sam
Sam's Online Journal 