Dear E-mail

Dear E-mail;

I have been instructed that I need to use you more often for things that resemble letters that I must send out to my friends, far and wide. About fifteen years ago I used you in the form of AOL’s free month of service. I remember they had all these amazing chat rooms and things called groups that I could join. It made me feel like part of a community, and everyone had these really cute e-mail addresses that ended with @aol.com. Even cooler was if I sent another AOLer an e-mail I could leave off that last part and just send it to sensualkitty, or to newyork69. That made things tons easier.

And then in college I had that super-cool @temple.edu address that was pretty easy to remember too, even though that’s also when I started getting something called Spam. I didn’t know what it was at first. I mean, the people who sent it knew my name, and the sites I would visit most. It was almost like they were psychic. “Hey Sam!” they would start, but then there were things about erectile dysfunction and applying to distance learning programs instead of the personal e-mail message I thought I was getting from innocuous names like Cindy, Bill, and Jennifer.

Wow, I just got an e-mail from President Obama who wants me to support a proposition and he will send me to one of those aforementioned distance learning programs FOR FREE! While I am completely stoked about this tremendous opportunity, I apparently cannot e-mail him back to thank him for such an honor. I can, however, send money to the address in the e-mail so maybe I can thank him that way, by putting a post-it note on the check. I’m thinking I should give a hundred bucks. That will also get me the bumper sticker.

Of course, most of my e-mail now isn’t private mail for whatever reason. It seems like every website I go to has access to my e-mail account once I’ve gone there now. They ALL send me stuff, and I have to unsubscribe to it, which is so tedious. You know e-mail, I don’t really like checking you much anymore. There is too much junk in-between the true gems, like the aforementioned e-mail from President Obama, or the forwarded jokes from my Uncle Michael, or the reminder to set my fantasy baseball team for the coming week.

But you’re still worth it because of those gems. I still get that rush of adrenaline when I get that e-mail from someone who has checked out my blog and just wants to tell me privately how my words touched them. Or when I get an e-mail from a contest I’ve entered that says I’m a finalist. Those are the ones that keep me coming back for more, that keep me weeding through all the detritus until I find the diamonds in the rough. And that’s okay, because you’re just like life, e-mail. You make me work for it, but in the end I find you’re still worth it.

Oh, and I’m still not spending $150 bucks for acai berry pills that will make me lose weight, but thanks for asking.

Sincerely,

Sam