Shopping With the Ladies

Fellas, I feel your pain.

I’ve been there more times than a little, standing in the back of a women’s clothing store while the significant ladies in my life try on outfit after outfit. Searching, sometimes futilely, sometimes not, for a chair to sit in while I wait (and sometimes nod off to sleep — careful that I don’t drool). Then I try something wise, thinking it will work out well. The car trick. I figured if I drop her off, and tell her I’ll wait in the car, that she’ll feel bad that I’m waiting out in the car, therefore coming back sooner. Uh, wrong. Three hours later I’m still sitting out there, again having nodded off. I check my watch to see what time it is — apparently something she can’t be bothered to do — and I hike myself out of the car to go hunt her down.

There’s nothing like shopping with a woman.

When men shop, we tend to go for whatever is most convenient. If I need undershirts, whichever kind are on the first rack I see, they go in the cart, provided they are in my size. If I’m jonesing for a fedora, I find the hat section quickly and grab the first one that will fit on my head. That’s done. And it’s also in the cart. The only time I check prices is if I’m in a clearance section; then I like to see how much I “saved” by purchasing it on clearance. If it’s not an essential item, it’s probably not clothes for men. When men shop and they pick up something that “wasn’t on the list,” it’s usually going to be some type of junk food, soda, or something electronic, most times all three. We tend to gravitate toward those areas of the store automatically. No one knows why or how it happens. And if the beer we like is also in the store, we grab a six-pack of that too. Better yet, toss in a 12-pack. Better safe than sorry. And when we leave a store, we’re feeling pretty good because we got out of there in twenty minutes, check out and all.

But we should honestly get medals when shopping with women.

Women are entirely different creatures from men. They have to find the exact right item, at the exact right price, in the exact right color, size, and clothing designer. And fellas, don’t ever try to pick out clothes for the lady in your life. She will laugh at you, and it will just make the shopping trip longer. Believe me. I’ve tried. However, if the lady asks for your opinion on a particular choice, always go with the last one. Here’s a tip: usually the last item a lady mentions is the one she really wants, which is why she saved it for last. So it will save you time if you always choose whichever one is the last one, regardless of whether or not you feel it suits her. You will be in the store an average of 40 minutes longer with each outfit that goes back on the rack. I’ve done the math. You can’t beat it, so help as much as you can. The mistake most guys make is what I mentioned earlier, the “sit down.” If she’s out of your sight, you’re going to be in the store longer. Guaranteed. Don’t make that mistake, guys.

And beware the mall.

You might think the mall would be great. You could split up. She checks out the clothing store, and you can go to Sam Goody (or whatever music stores are still around, if any). But remember what I said about letting her out of your sight. Don’t do it. Don’t be tempted. Maybe you can make a deal. You will go with her to get her clothes, then she has to accompany you to Sam Goody. Win-win. Usually, though, she will say no, that you don’t have enough time. Which is ironic, but please don’t point this out to her. You will be in the mall so much longer if you do. Just go with the flow, don’t let her out of your sight, don’t mention the time, and take her out to eat after the shopping is done. It will do wonders for your mood, especially if that place you go to eat has good dessert choices.

Sam