What I Really Learned in Kindergarten

I remember a while back there was this book of short essays — Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulghum. Everyone was enthralled with it because it seemed so concise and illuminating, with its pithy sayings and its double meanings. Posters were created and I think I remember seeing them all over the place back then. It seemed like everything we needed to know, we really did learn in Kindergarten. It was the It book for self-realization, sort of like The Secret a couple of years ago. From it, we learned things like play fair, don’t hit people, and put things back where you found them. All very nice and well, but I learned some other things in Kindergarten that may or may not help me now in life, so here’s the list from my five-year old self, with no pithy sayings or double meanings.

Never eat paste, no matter how good it looks like it will taste.

Everybody was doing it, the ultimate start of peer pressure. No, I didn’t think it looked appealing, but they said it did, and I followed their example. It was the most disgusting thing I would taste for years to come. The experimentation was short-lived.

Beware of sharp objects wielded by friends.

I guess I should have known not to get in-between a fight over a pencil between Joseph and Rita, but I just couldn’t help being the peacemaker, but in this case I ended up being the guy who got lead buried in his skin. Ouch. Some of it is still in there, by the way, so I have a constant concern of lead poisoning. Yikes.

Nap time is not optional, whether or not you can tie your shoelaces.

So distraught was I over not being able to tie my shoes that I wanted to skip nap time. However, my teacher, Mrs. Lawton, made me lie down on my cot anyway, and I did it with my shoes on — quite uncomfortable. It helped, though, because I didn’t want to be the only one lying down with shoes on. I tied my shoes by week’s end, and slept better for it, too.

Stay in line at the water fountain.

If you get out of line, you lose your spot and you have to go all the way to the end. I learned that one the hard way. And more than once.

Don’t worry about getting picked in gym. Everyone gets to be on a team.

I honestly thought if you were the last one waiting there, that meant no one wanted you so you didn’t get to be on a team. But the first time it happened to me (the first time we had gym) I got put on a team anyway. While no one seemed happy to see me on their kickball team, I assumed it was just because they were jealous. Um, yeah.

Girls are indeed different from boys.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I don’t even think any of us knew what that song really meant, but we sang it all the time when adults were out of earshot. And the teasing was insufferable if you merely happened to sit next to a girl during art time. I mention cooties later.

Teacher is another word for ruler.

Her word goes, regardless of whether or not you agree with it. And if you don’t agree, don’t be vocal about it because it might be misinterpreted as something they called “backtalk,” and you might find yourself in the corner wearing what they called a “quiet time hat.” It was not fashionable.

Writing within the lines is considered good.

See, there are solid lines and there are dotted lines, and you’d better know the difference between the two. Also, don’t forget that while some letters can go below the solid line, they are few and far between. Don’t let any others slide over or you’ll lose points on the only quizzes you get in the grade before first.

Cooties and the people who carry them are considered bad.

Ooh. You got cooties! And you knew who gave them to you, that girl you sat next to in the cafeteria that one time. Absolutely no one knew what cooties were or how to get rid of them, but they all knew where they came from and how. You had to keep your distance from girls or they would be considered your girlfriend (whatever that meant) and you’d have cooties forever.

Anything is possible.

Sure, it is.

Hard work will always be rewarded.

Sure, it will.

Anything can and will happen on the school bus.

The school bus was a magical conveyance that took you from your door to the school door with a bunch of stops in-between the two. During the course of the ride, the bus had the tendency to break down, depositing you and your mates by the side of the road more often than not. And when it wasn’t breaking down, it was used as another place to separate groups of kids from each other. And those big kids had some big mouths. What a ride.

There is no such thing as homework.

We all knew that would come the following year, so we made the most of being able to go home and play outside in the rubbish.

Peeing your pants is unacceptable.

And it doesn’t help to get you picked next time in gym either. Believe me.

Sam