Sam’s Weekly Water Cooler Musings: On Personal Space

We spend most of our lives deciding who gets in and who stays out of our inner sanctum, but sometimes that decision is made for us. How does it make us feel when this happens? That was the topic at the water cooler today. At first I didn’t want to join in, but I was dragged in when the topic took a turn I hadn’t expected.

Let’s say you’re standing in the bathroom washing your hands at the sink when someone comes up next to you and starts washing their hands at the same sink. Keep in mind there are five other sinks in the bathroom, none of which are occupied, but he came over to your sink. Would you say or do anything? Now, let’s make it more interesting. Say you weren’t at the sink, but you were at the urinal instead, and this same guy comes up to you and starts a conversation.

Personal space is such an interesting discussion base because so many people have so many different definitions for what the borders of that space are, and for what to do when intruders cross over into your space. The majority of people at the water cooler agreed that there are different borders, depending on the person. The inner circle is for people like family and close friends. Those people can stand at “hugging length,” which means if they wanted to they could reach over and hug you without taking a step, not that they will be hugging you all the time. Then there is the outer circle, for people like marginal friends and acquaintances. This group stands at “talking length,” meaning you can speak with them without having to raise your voice. They have to take two or more steps in order to hug you, but they’re the people with whom there is no hugging. Then there’s outside of the circle, a pretty large space, for the group of people who stand at “hailing distance,” which means if they were hailing a cab, that’s how far they would be on the sidewalk from the driver of the cab. There is no contact between you and the people in that group, at all. The person who stood next to you at the urinal and tried to engage you in conversation, this person is in that last group.

So, what do you do when someone who isn’t from your inner circle invades your personal space? This is where the responses varied, and I think it has to do with personality type. If you’re like me and the invader is from the outer circle, you just let it happen if it’s brief contact. Let’s say they wanted to hug me. That’s cool, but pull back once it’s done. No long, romantic comedy embrace. The problem with that, it was pointed out to me, is that now I’ve set a precedent. They’ll think they’re in the inner circle now, and will want to hug me every time we see each other. At some point I will have to head them off at the pass and have a discussion with them about my personal space, then hope it doesn’t piss them off or make them sad. See, so much to think about, it’s driving me mad! If someone from outside of either circle were to try the same move, I would take a couple of steps back and explain right then and there that I need my space. If they won’t respect that, then I should report them to whomever is in charge wherever I am. This was the sage advice I received about guarding my personal space.

I guess I feel sorry for those people who don’t feel they can say anything about it for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. We concluded that if they weren’t strong enough to say something, then someone else should speak up for them. You’ve seen it, when two people are in a hug, and one person’s face is scrunched up. That’s the universal sign for, “I did not sign up for this hug. Help!” Then you’re well within your rights, if you happen to be a member of that person’s inner circle, to break in and explain the situation. Hey, you have to protect your rights to your friend’s personal space, right? Can’t have everyone and their aunt getting those hugs that are rightfully yours, eh?

When in doubt of your standing, if they don’t hug you first, you’re not in the inner circle. Much respect.

Sam

Sam’s Weekly Water Cooler Musings: The Archive