Since when did I become such an emotional person? Since when do sappy romantic comedies make me bawl my eyes out? Since when does something like stubbing my toe elicit such a string of obscenities? I used to be so even keel until not too long ago when I 
developed a — gasp — actual personality. Don’t get me wrong. I had a personality before, but it was a borrowed one, suited to whomever I happened to be around. Therefore, no real emotions, no real connection with reality. But now, watch out world.
So, here are some things I’ve found out about myself recently, since I stopped being the “yes man” for everyone:
1) I enjoy classical music. No. Really. I do. It wasn’t just something I was pretending so that girls would think I was a “layered” soul.
2) I don’t only have nightmares when I dream. Outlining my “nightmares” was always a good way to get sympathy from others, but I now realize I just don’t have as many nightmares as I seemed to recall around others.
3) I really am a romantic at heart. You know that warm feeling you get when you know people are meant to be together, or because someone said something really sweet to the person they love? I get that feeling when Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks realize they were on the other side of the screen in “You’re Got Mail,” or when Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller decide to just go for it in “Along Came Polly,” or that classic “You had me at hello” scene from Jerry Maguire. Please pass the tissues.
4) I don’t have as much patience as I thought I had. Seriously, that one’s the hardest one to swallow. I used to pride myself on this above all other things. I’m the most patient person in the world. Nothing gets to me. But, go figure, everything gets to me. I seem to be an emotional wreck most of the time, and my patience is constantly tried and re-tried. It’s pretty depressing to realize this for the first time.
5) I am incredibly competitive. Yeah, I know. I won’t even let my four year-old win at Connect 4. If you came up to me and told me that you would give me $500,000 to throw a game, I honestly don’t know what my response would be. I live for winning, and I try not to play games that I’m not good at. Eek, I know that’s not a great character trait, but I would be kick ass on a game show.
These and other revelations have shown me just how much I need to try and understand my emotions, and perhaps writing them out like this is cathartic. Regardless, I keep adding to the list every day, a sign that at least I’m starting to understand myself more. I think it also helps me maintain momentum in getting rid of that “yes man” for good. While he was fun for others to be around, he was someone I dreaded being. So, for good or for bad, it’s time to drive my own car.
Sam
Sam's Online Journal 