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Fountain of Youth

FOUNTAIN-OF-YOUTH1The explorer Ponce de Leon was desperate to find a land of riches and the mystical “fountain of youth” when he landed in Florida in the early part of the fourteenth century. It was apparently a get rich quick scheme that had much more to do with finding gold and precious jewels than in locating the magical fountain that was said to reverse the aging process. In the Bible there is a similar fountain mentioned, in a place called Bethesda, where the sick and infirm came to touch the waters and be healed. Does it in fact exist in this day and age? I believe so.

First off, before you think I’m some kind of kook, I’ll explain. I don’t actually think there’s a basin with water in it that will bring back your youth. I don’t believe in magic of that kind, and neither, I think, did Ponce de Leon, or Hernando de Soto after him. I think they were fascinated by the idea of something otherworldly that could make them live forever, but aren’t we all? It’s one of the reasons I think we are so into vampires, zombies and the like right now. Just look at television shows, books, and movies.

Is that the answer? As a writer I am very sensitive to the idea of words being that source of everlasting youth. When I go back into my earlier writings I am transported back in time, and to an extent all readers are when they delve into literature from when they were young. The body secretes a hormone that emerges when those memories are triggered, creating a sense of release, not unlike letting out that breath that you were holding, like coming home and relaxing. The same is true of anything that triggers those memories, in essence bringing each person back to the time of his/her youth.

I believe it’s more than that, though. Continue reading “Fountain of Youth”

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realisticlove.com

okcupidWouldn’t it be refreshing to see a dating site where people had to tell it like it is instead of being able to lie about every little thing?

I’m a 65-year-old, balding man with a predilection for scratching myself often, whenever the mood strikes. Been engaged five times but none of them ever turned into marriage. Got eight kids, though, by six different women, none of whom I’m on speaking terms with now. But I’m a good catch, so inbox me for more details. Oh, and the photos of me are all selfies done yesterday in good lighting so you can clearly see my beer gut. And I’m broke, so if we get together you’re paying.

I would kill to see a site like that out there. I mean, maybe there’s someone for this guy who doesn’t mind all the issues and who would give him a chance anyway. I often hear people talk about how they don’t judge others, but maybe that goes for everything except love. If there was a site called realisticlove.com perhaps no one would ever find love there, if everyone was like the guy above anyway.

Of course being completely honest about ourselves online is more difficult than roping a bull in a kitchen. Because having the screen between you and the other person makes it so easy to fib just a little bit. You have a large mid-section… just say you’re “full-figured.” You wear huge pop-bottle glasses… ditch them for the already airbrushed photo. You are already in an unfulfilling relationship… just type “single,” and when you find someone else willing to tolerate you, that’s your exit.

I’m a 24-year-old girl with a thick mustache and chronic halitosis. I’m huge into knitting, and I snore like a tractor running over rocks. I can’t go out into the sunlight because my skin is way too sensitive for that, and I live on a steady diet of snails imported from Israel. They’re wicked expensive, but my mother, who I still live with, pays for them with the money she gets from selling her foodstamps to the couple who live in the box. If you want to get together sometime I am free whenever. Hit me up.

Continue reading “realisticlove.com”

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I Did What?: My Sordid Job History, Volume 9

warning_substitute_teacher_postcard-p239009390332992021qibm_400They took my fingerprints, and the only thing I could think while they were doing it was, “Damn, it’s going to be really hard to get this ink off my hands.” But it was all necessary, I knew, the only way to start the occupation I knew I wanted for the rest of my life. Even if the fingerprinting was merely to be a substitute teacher instead of the real thing. Everybody has to start somewhere.

A substitute teacher has to be malleable, to shift from day to day, quite unlike most other professions, which are rote.

I decided to substitute teach when I was in graduate school because the classes were mostly in the evenings, and I wanted to get my feet wet in the profession I was going to school for, which seemed smart at the time. What no one told me, however, was that substitute teaching is so different from actually having my own classroom and set schedule. I learned pretty quickly, though, once I got that first phone call to sub.

First off, the calling system was automated, so I had to set up my “profile” in the system before I could even be called to sub. Once that was set it was all about waiting. Usually the calls would come ridiculously early in the morning, and I would have to re-map my whole day around it. Since I didn’t know the area very well, I would have to ask my wife how to get places, then leave very early just in case I got lost getting there.

I learned pretty early on, too, that it mattered which position I was going to substitute for, if just to help my choice of attire. Once I got the call and it was for P.E. but I didn’t realize the difference until I arrived at the school in a full suit. My shoes weren’t even allowed on the gym floor, so I ended up walking around in my bare feet for most of the day, and I ditched the jacket about fifteen minutes into the first class session. Continue reading “I Did What?: My Sordid Job History, Volume 9”

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That Monumental Shift

Sleep? What’s that?

I read somewhere that we spend our lives before we become parents running away from trouble, and our entire lives after becoming parents running towards that same trouble. For example, when I heard a scream back in the day I would move away from it, with the thought that whoever’s causing the screams might decide I’m a better source of torture. If there’s a messy situation with a spider crawling on the bathroom wall, well, that’s what parents are for. “Mooooom!” I’d say, and it would be taken care of while I was cowering in my bedroom.

Now I’m the one taking care of the problems, and I’ve learned to run to the source of those screams instead of away from it. It’s funny, but when I first became a father, my first inclination just switched. Like flipping a wall switch, actually. And all the parents I knew told me “several things will happen the moment you become a parent.” Here’s a comprehensive list:

  1. “You will learn to awaken at odd hours and sleep when you can. And be able to operate off of whatever sleep you (don’t) get.
  2. “You will suddenly become a safer driver.”
  3. “Your current fears will become secondary to your kids’ fears.”
  4. “Your language will conform to PG standards.”
  5. “You will call your mother, and she will laugh at you, telling you that it’s YOUR TURN now.” Continue reading “That Monumental Shift”
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Checked Out: Week 8

Another frantic week of reading this week, courtesy of John Grisham and his emotionally charged Sycamore Row. I have to admit I had forgotten the very premise of its precursor, A Time to Kill, but it all came back in a hurry once I got going. The characters, the setting, and the interactions between characters … Continue reading Checked Out: Week 8