Why Guys Cheat

Uh, because they’re stupid? I mean, I don’t want to dumb it down for you, but at its core that’s the honest-to-goodness truth. Look at the “good guys” out there and you’ll notice a recurring theme. Most of them are happy. They are expressive with their significant others. They smile more often than not. That comes from being fulfilled in their relationships, and it’s pretty obvious to spot. The guy who spends so much time complaining that “his woman” makes him do this and that, that’s the stupid guy who is probably going to cheat.

• Cheating takes two people.

I’ve heard that one enough times, and it’s absolutely true. It takes the cheater and the cheatee (the person being cheated on), because obviously something is missing from their relationship. When your relationship is fulfilling your needs, there is much less temptation to look across to that green grass that you might think is greener than yours. And the issue that comes up most often when needs aren’t met is that the person feeling slighted goes elsewhere to get those needs met. When of course what needs to happen is communication, but for some reason the cheater communicates with others instead. That creates a bond that just spirals out of control after the fact.

• Why buy the cow?

This has always seemed like a rather crass phrase to me, one meant to trivialize an important fact: that many people simply don’t want to take responsibility for themselves and for their own actions. And it goes beyond sex, but to emotional connections outside of sex as well. If there is someone willing to connect with you either physically, emotionally, or both, and that person is not your significant other, ask yourself one question. Would you feel comfortable talking about what this person does for you to your significant other? If the answer is no, then you’re drinking milk, my friend, and there is no cow in sight.

• We’re in two different places now.

If that is indeed true, then why stay together when you’re already “apart”? Honestly, too many people will use this excuse to try and justify their extraffairs when it is really no excuse at all. You have two options if you think your relationship is straining against itself. Figure out together how you can get back the connection or admit that it’s impossible and get out of the relationship. Too often the lack of communication leads to both of you being unhappy, and nothing good comes from two people being shackled together who are unhappy. One or both will seek happiness wherever they can actually find it.

• She’ll never know.

Cheaters have a tendency to tell themselves this lie, and cheatees delude themselves into not seeing what’s right in front of their faces. If you could absolutely get away with anything you wanted to do, even if it was illegal, would you do it? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? This is the same scenario here. Even if she’ll never know, you’ll know, and can you live with that duplicity? Doesn’t that change things irredeemably? I mean, if you can lie about something so fundamental, what else will you now lie about? So many questions, and no good answers.

The longest lasting relationships are ones where each person in it feels valued and communicates feelings effectively, whether or not those feelings are positive ones. Strong relationships can get through those times and issues, as long as the lines of communication remain open. Once that breaks down there are honestly no holds barred. It becomes a descent into the murk of dishonesty, which is where cheating lives. And those people who tell you that cheating is just physical are kidding themselves. When we get emotionally involved with another person and we communicate with them intimately that’s also cheating. And until we wrap our minds around that simple fact we will continue to be delusional.

And to me that’s just stupid.

Sam