The Apologist

“I wanted to apologize for everything I was, so I’m sorry, so sorry…” – The Apologist, R.E.M.

I have said that phrase more than 2,159 times over the course of the past year, and each time it has come out of my mouth I’ve meant it. Forest Gump would probably say, “Sorry is as sorry does,” and he would be half right. Showing someone you’re sorry is so much more important than just saying the words. Anyone could say the words, whether they were true or not, but it takes someone who has true contrition to follow through in deed.

Why have I apologized so much? Because I always feel like bad things can be traced back to me. I picked up the wrong type of butter from the grocery store, so I’m sorry. I showed up late by one minute to my doctor’s appointment, so I’m sorry. I spilled some tea while transporting it from the kitchen to the dining room, so I’m sorry. The list goes on and on, and my apologies follow as surely as rain on an overcast day. Even today, I received a text from my wife after I had left Target, and it said to pick up some items, but I was already nearly home so I couldn’t get them. I’m sorry.

Sometimes it really is my fault too, and other times it isn’t, but every single time I say the mantra. I feel like I’m in AA, I say it so much. “Hello, my name is Sam, and I’m an apologist.”

My mama taught me right from wrong, and that when I’m wrong I go to the person and say I’m sorry. But she also told me to make amends if at all possible. It’s some variation on the idea that the punishment should fit the crime. If I break a lamp, I mow lawns to make enough money to replace that lamp. And I have to honestly feel bad about what happened, what I was truly was responsible for happening.

That’s what it comes down to, not some convoluted sense of what I did, but some concrete form of it. And the words shouldn’t come automatically to my lips without the feeling, and the sense that I need to make it right, if at all possible. That’s what I’ve learned. There are too many people out there who gives so much lip service, but who also do not show remorse or attempt to make things right. I remind myself of this every single time I apologize. And it helps.

“When I feel regret, I get down on my knees and pray… I’m sorry, so sorry. I’m sorry…”

Sam