Mad Skillz, Son.

You know, I’ve always wanted to be the best at something. Not just really good. Not just “one of the best,” because that presumes there are others who are just as good as I am. No, I wanted to be THE best at something, anything. To that end, I used to scour the Guinness Book of World Records for something I could do that hadn’t quite been done before. I would skip over the ones that I had no shot at, like tallest man, strongest man, fastest man, hairiest woman, all those. For approximately one minute I thought I could build the world’s tallest card tower, until I realized I would have to stack it over 12 stories high. I moved on to stacking golf balls, and the record was seven balls. I felt absolutely sure I could accomplish that one… until I couldn’t even get one ball to stay on top of another.

But if I had a magic genie, like the one in Aladdin — he was mad cool, son — and she would grant me one skill I could have that would be better than anyone else, I would choose analytical skills. I know it seems pretty lame to you, but for me it would be great. If I could accurately analyze anything and everything, I could map out my life, avoid pitfalls, and make connections between important issues. Of course, it could also make me some money, being able to predict outcomes, like in sporting contests and the like. I would need a massive website to handle the volume of requests I would get, and I would charge hand over fist for the chance to answer their most sought queries. That would enable me the chance to stay at home, but I would have to get organized, big time. Luckily my analytical skills would also help me get and stay organized.

It would be a win-win situation, too, because then I would be able to put my powers to use deciding which other world records I could theoretically break, and I would be bolstered with the fact that I’ve analyzed it and found it a distinct possibility. So maybe then I would be able to stack those golf balls. Just maybe.

Sam