It’s funny how so many people will tell you that honesty is always the best policy, but then those same people lie as often as they possibly can to get whatever it is that they want. That makes me think that perhaps it’s not about honesty all the time or none of the time. Maybe it’s really about individual situations. Take for instance your mother-in-law gives you a coat that you absolutely detest, and she asks you what you think of it. The appropriate response there would be, “It’s wonderful, just what I wanted,” when instead you really want to say, “It will keep me warm.” While the second response is the honest one (notice how I stayed away from how godawful ugly it is), the one she will appreciate the most is the first one. Another example would be when your husband picks out a restaurant for you to go to as a surprise, but it’s the one restaurant in town he should know you can’t stand. When you pulled into the parking lot on your anniversary, you could tell him, “I know you went through a lot of trouble, but you should have known I would hate coming to this place,” or you could go with, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, sweetheart. I know I’ll have a great time.” I think you know which one he will like more, and which one he will kick himself over for the next four years.
A lack of personal censorship is at the top of the list when it comes to things that get people upset, things that ruin relationships, and also things that are completely avoidable. You just need to follow the simple rules for when and how to censor yourself. First, think about how you would feel if someone told you what you were about to tell them. If you would shut down, then don’t say it. If, however, you would enjoy being told whatever you’re thinking, go for it. Unless you know something about the person that contradicts this statement. For instance, your girlfriend asks you if you prefer the striped dress over the polka dot dress, and you know the polka dot one makes her look fat, but that she likes it more, you go with the striped one. Even though you may hurt her feelings in the short run (she really wanted the polka dot one), you have saved her from looking in the mirror some day and thinking she’s fat.
Secondly, imagine hearing what you’re about to say as the lead-in to a news story. “Man tells sister she’s an alcoholic and should get some help.” Think about how much better that would sound this way: “Man loves sister so much he stages an intervention.” So it’s about putting positive spin on whatever you’re saying, not so much about lying, per se. Others will appreciate that you took the effort, even if they see right through it. It’s like being on stage, and all you’re focused on is the audience reaction.
So when is standard honesty truly the best policy? That’s probably when you know you will be misinterpreted if you say anything else whatsoever, or when you are to blame for something that will come back and bite you in the end (because it always does). For example, if the dog ate chocolate, you’re not going to say, “Honey, I think the dog’s just tired.” Or if you broke the lamp and your little brother got cut on the shards, it’s not good to say, “I don’t know how he did it.” That’s when you own up to what happened and you tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Remember, it’s those people who never really learn how to censor themselves who have no friends, whose family merely tolerates them, and who are always wondering why that’s the case. We see them everywhere, we hear them when they open their mouths. Maybe we can throw them a solid and tell them one of these days why life is the way it is for them.Who knows, your honesty could make all the difference.
Sam
Sam's Online Journal 