Sam’s Friday Top 5: Pet Peeves

5. Dog clothing

I will never understand people’s inclinations to make their pets look downright silly. And there is a whole line of dog clothing in every shape, size, and color to feed this obsession. Every time I see one of these dressed up canines, all I can think is how embarrassed they look, and I just want to liberate them from the personal hell they must be going through. But I just have to stand there and take it, hoping the owners wise up eventually. Almost makes me want to get a dog so I can say at least one will never wear clothes.

4. Signal missers.

You know the ones who drive along slowly, taking their sweet times and you want to just yell (road ragers unite), only to find out that they were just slowing down so they could turn, even though their blinker wasn’t on. Or you want to make a left turn and the guy driving toward you has his signal on so you wait. Then he just keeps driving straight and you realize you could have turned. These are signal missers, who for one reason or another think we are driving the roads at their pleasure. How hard is it to put your signal on or take it off? See, just did it.

3. Selective hearing.

Some people are just dying to get slapped sometimes with the selective hearing. I mean, I wouldn’t slap them, but come on! When you can hear just fine enough to agree to the ice cream sundae but you can’t hear the next second when I ask for a favor, that’s just not cool. There are people in all of our lives who are just like that, and they will swear up and down that they just couldn’t hear sometimes. I wish we could buy them all hearing aids for Christmas but then we might be the ones getting slapped. Better yet, beat them at their own game and feign hearing loss the next time they want something from you.

2. “Vegetarians.”

“I’m a vegetarian, except sometimes I eat fish, and on occasion I eat beef, and sometimes chicken, but I never eat pork. Except on every third Saturday.” Make up your mind. Either you’re a vegetarian or you’re not. It’s like the person who answers the question on the survey, and then writes in the margin all of the exceptions. Being a vegetarian is the cool, it thing, so people want to say they practice it, but if you have to put in exceptions, you’re just not one. Which is okay, just stop saying you’re one.

1. One uppers.

My absolute biggest pet peeve is with the people who just can’t let you have the last word. You went to Bermuda for a week, they somehow went there for eight days. You got a new tub, they bought a state of the art jacuzzi. These are the people who just can’t stand being shown up by anyone anytime, even if they have to lie in order to win the contest that is purely in their own heads in the first place. They’re the coworkers who bring in the two-tiered cake for your birthday just so they can spend the entire party talking about how amazing they were to buy the ultra expensive two-tiered cake. I would prefer to keep those types of people out of my life, but they’re everywhere! Maybe we could round them all up and start a commune in Texas that we never visit.

Sam

Sam’s Friday Top 5: The Archive