Not That Guy

I couldn’t tell you the difference between a spark plug and an axle rod. I don’t know who won the 1987 World Series. I nod along when other guys talk about the latest Man vs. Wild. It’s just not my thing. I wouldn’t climb a mountain if my life depended on it, or if a million bucks was tucked away at the top. Trucks can be interesting to look at, but I would never want to own one. Dirt biking just gets you dirty. I would never dream of working hard to build huge muscles. It just seems boring to me. I’m not that guy.

I can’t imagine ever hitting a woman. I don’t understand one-night stands. Isn’t sexting the German word for bowling? I would never eat meat. Ever. I would never do drugs, and not just because I can’t stand needles. I wouldn’t know the first thing to do in a club, besides dancing, which I don’t do well. I have no rhythm. Playing chicken holds no allure for me. If I don’t have anything good to say about someone, I say nothing at all. Except in private, and only to my wife. I’m not that guy.

I couldn’t change a tire to save my life. I can’t cook anything more complicated than macaroni and cheese. I don’t mow the lawn (because my wife forbids it — it’s a long story). I hardly ever drink alcoholic beverages. Once a year is my norm. I don’t stay out all night. There’s just not that much out there that interests me. I’m not comfortable sitting around objectifying women. I could never walk outside without my shirt on. I’m not that guy.

I don’t run marathons. I’ve never gone to a hockey game. I don’t profess to only love action movies. A good chick flick will warm my soul like nothing else. I don’t hold things over other people’s heads. I can’t make small talk without sounding wooden. I don’t face my fears to try and overcome them. I tend to just avoid them if at all possible. I don’t like wrestling. To me the remote control is not for flipping frantically through channels. I’m not that guy.

I’m not the guy who dreams about being a hero. I’m not the guy who accepts the bare minimum. I’m not the guy who slaps other guys on the butt. I’m not the guy who hangs out just for the sake of hanging out. I’m not the guy who is afraid of commitment. I’m not the guy who forgets other people. I’m not the guy who grunts a greeting at others. I’m not the guy who loses focus. I’m just not that guy.

And that’s just fine with me.


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