A Litany of Days

I’ve somehow lost track of the last day I had off, but I think my body knows.

This morning I woke up and just wanted to roll right back over, and kick the hell out of my alarm clock in the process. Instead I got up and got moving, launching myself upright, into the shower, and off to another consecutive day of… whatever.

My phone chronicles it, I guess, with its apps that suit themselves to various aspects of my busy life. When it vibrates I sometimes pretend it hasn’t because I know it’s probably just one more reminder that something’s due, that someone needs a form filled out, that I’m needed to fill in for someone else at work, or that something else has just been added to my schedule.

And my body feels the strain of getting up before the break of dawn every morning because I’m not as young as I used to be. Regardless of how I see myself when I look in the mirror, my right knee knows, my left wrist knows, and my greying hair knows. My body knows the day even if my mind has stopped processing each one in turn.

To my body today isn’t just another day in a litany of days. It is instead another opportunity to celebrate the fact that I’m not too old to get things done, that I’m not a relic of a time gone by, but a thriving member of time still worth living, even if the bags under my eyes doth protest too much.

I tell myself I should get to bed sooner, but these endless days hypnotize me into believing I can keep doing it ad nauseum. As long as my body doesn’t tell my mind, it says, I should be okay… until I wake up to another morning that blends into the one just beyond its event horizon, and I realize there are too many more to count in the distance.

It will truly be odd when the string is finally broken, when I can actually turn over and go back to sleep, but I can’t think that far ahead right now. I can just keep taking it one day after day at a time.

Sam

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Bone Tired

Some days I’m just tired. This is one of those days. And I don’t mean physically tired. That comes and goes, but this emotional tiredness seems to set in like cold seeping into my bones. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not complaining. It just seems that life gets more complicated and more exhausting the longer I go on living. Every day seems to tack on one more thing for me to think about, to sift through, or to deal with. It’s the act of dealing that makes me so tired, but I’m sure that’s true of everyone, even those happy-go-lucky types you see on the street who seem not to have a care in the world.

Because, believe me, the carefree thing doesn’t last. It’s a nice way of being ignorant, of pretending the world isn’t such a dreadful place with horrendous surprises around every corner. It’s a good way to delude yourself into thinking you’re liked by everyone and that no problem’s too big that you can’t overcome it. But that’s not the type of world we live in. We live in a world where problems can be insurmountable, where people can be ruinous, and where nothing final is quite the sum of its parts. It’s a tiring place where keeping up means leaving pieces of yourself behind.

It’s one of those days when positive things happened, like the first interview in a long process of interviews that will make up my next project when all is said and done. I also rediscovered something that had been missing for far too long and that I thought I had seen for the last time. I even had some quiet time to just sit and write today, something that has been few and far between, especially lately. And even though the negative parts interfered with my joy again today, as they always do, I am not going to let them to frustrate me as I have in the past. But that doesn’t stop the fact that I’m still bone tired.

Too many people are judgmental these days. They see something they don’t understand and they can’t help themselves, it seems. It becomes fair game for their evil eyes and for their holier-than-thou attitudes. Then a whispering begins and we’re left playing defense against the dark arts, a game that is more a pounding than anything else. And it all just drags down my mood. It makes me want to crawl under the covers, shut my eyes, and shut out the world for a while, to dream of something better, of something easier. But that’s not life, and if I block out the negatives I can’t appreciate the positives either. I don’t want that, so I keep my eyes open. I keep my head up while the judgments fly.

Because I can’t stop them from coming, but I can stop how they affect me. Eventually.

Sam

Tired (Song Lyrics)

All night thinking about the way it used to be
Dreaming of your special touch
How it gets right through to me
All day feeling crazy and acting all confused
You can’t begin to realize
Unless you been in my shoes
That I’m tired
So damn tired of you.

[Chorus]
I wake up and you’re always on my mind
I wake up and I can see all the signs
So, so tired
So damn tired

Always wanted something that I could never be
Weekend trips to Monterey
When you left me by the sea
Always freezing cold here in my private hell
When you ain’t ever calling me
There’s no one left to tell
Cuz I’m tired
So damn tired of you.

[Chorus]
I wake up and you’re never on my mind
I wake up to something I can’t always find
So, so tired
So damn tired

And I just wanted to tell you
So that we keep it to ourselves
I never could understand
Why I went to that motel
But I’m tellin’ you right now
That I’ll never go again
And don’t go givin’ my number
To any of your friends.

[Chorus]
I wake up and you’re always in my head
I wake up but I can never leave this bed
So, so tired
Still damn tired

Cuz I’m tired
Just too damn tired

of you.

Sam

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