Dear Journal: Love Me

Dear Journal, Honestly, I don’t know why I spend so much time thinking about what other people think of me. A long time ago I tried telling myself I didn’t care, but it became such a flimsy lie that one day I just stopped saying it altogether. Because, yeah, I do care, and I care … Continue reading Dear Journal: Love Me

Year One is Paper

“We practice the most concealment from ourselves when we avoid sharing with others.” – Theodicus Exactly one year ago today I started Sam’s Online Journal with the singular purpose of continuing my daily writing, and it has grown into so much more. It’s easy to think about it now and think how idealistic I was … Continue reading Year One is Paper

From the Vault: 19 March 2002

Infrequent dots creating a pattern quite unlike the human facial features I’ve grown accustomed to in my many hours in front of the projection screen. I saw it in a picture frame last week in Detroit. Coincidence? Maybe.

I drove underneath the bridge of dissonance with a skullcap placed firmly upon my head. Blue blood coursing through my veins, thin like watery strips. Freezing rain like alien tendrils threatens to overcome my prostrate form. At sleep time.

Electronic pulse vibrating outside of my head, yet inside my subconscious. Your kiss lingers behind. I’ve forgotten everything but the name I used to call mine when I had the time. No clock to warn me of your impending approach, and I realize none of it matters anyway. Continue reading “From the Vault: 19 March 2002”

Standing Up: How to Deal

The great Richard Pryor

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. Honestly. I thought all my problems would be solved if I could just laugh about them in front of an adoring audience that would then forgive me for all the horrible things I’ve done and clean the slate. Absolution with a touch of ribald humor, always a winner. Of course, my problem is that I’m horrible with a punchline. Ask anyone (except my children, they think I can do no wrong, and they love my “pig” punchlines). There’s something about timing, phrasing, pausing, you know, every single thing that makes or breaks a punchline. Simply put, my jokes just aren’t funny. I’m much better at random sarcasm.

So, how to deal with my problems, to get them out without being able to laugh at myself in front of an audience of my peers? Well, that’s what friends are for, right? My problem has always been in finding friends, though, and then once I’ve found them, maintaining them. Maybe it is my tendency to be randomly sarcastic that has something to do with not maintaining them, or perhaps it’s how often I laugh at myself. Maybe I just need therapy. If I talk to someone who has to listen because I’m paying her, would that solve all my problems? Continue reading “Standing Up: How to Deal”