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Posts Tagged ‘hope’

Flight Plan

“The mechanics of flight are as such: study the planned trajectory, map out a flight plan, lift off from the ground… and hope you don’t fall.” ~Anonymous

Time just moves on, but we are the same people we’ve always been, even if sometimes we surprise people and/or surprise ourselves. I know that’s true for me. I have tendencies, and for better or for worse, these tendencies are my default setting. So when I branch out, when I really stretch my wings, I realize I can fly, but I know I should take a snapshot, a mental picture, because odds are I won’t fly again.

Sometimes life is like that, when things work out perfectly, or as perfectly as they possibly can, given the factors that impinge upon our best performance. There are times in my life when I’ve felt like I was more than the sum of my parts, but those times are hazy, like I’m seeing them through a film. I recognize that it was me then, that I did those things, but they were so beyond what I’m normally capable of that my brain decided to shade them in sepia tones.

Flight actually scares me, to be honest. There’s something about being so far above solid ground that makes me as nervous as a sheep about to be shorn. The size of the airplane itself creates the disbelief that I’m not safe hurtling miles above the ground in something so heavy. While my sentient brain understands the properties that make this possible, my lizard brain fights against the notion to the bitter end. Every time I’ve flown I’ve been desperately afraid of plummeting to my death…

But the idea of flying, well, that’s incredible. The Superman kind of flying — just one person, high above it all, utterly in control — that moves me. Of course I’ve never considered myself brave like Superman, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (of course, being able to fly, is pretty obvious). I’ve never thought I was capable of more than I’ve done before. That’s why when amazing things happen in my life I’m always shocked, flummoxed, blown away by it all. Because I’m no Superman, but once in a while I’ve been able to fly.

I’m convinced, just like Shakespeare, that the world is really one big stage, that I’m one of the actors who occasionally gets a line that ultimately defines me in the eyes of the audience for the entirety of the play. Everyone around me is also waiting for their lines, hopeful that theirs will be as definitive as mine just happened to be. Then the next play goes on, and I have no lines. Life is cyclical like that, and I try to hang on to the lines I manage to claim as my own. If I believe I am, then I actually am. Sometimes I stand in the wings with my arms outstretched because I am a tree. It is what it is.

Of course on stage there are wires that hoist actors up when it’s their time to ascend, that allow us to simulate flight, but we know they’re there. We know we’re not really doing it on our own, yet it doesn’t matter when we’re in the air. It’s how I feel when things go right for me, because I’m not the only one responsible for it, because I’m never flying all alone. I think that’s how it is for pretty much everyone, but I can only speak for myself. The wind beneath my wings, and all that. I appreciate everyone who supports me, who helps me to realize my potential, and I hope I’m able to do that for them as well.

I got a new job. I still can’t believe it. It’s been far too long, I’ve been stuck in neutral, and I hadn’t even dared to hope, not after so much time. But I never gave up. I never went through the motions. I guess I just felt like it wasn’t going to happen for me no matter how hard I tried. Yet I kept trying. I kept trying my hardest because I can’t ever just stand still. I’ve never been able to settle when I felt like there was more for me out there.

So I’m up in the air. I’m shocked. I’m flummoxed. I’m blown away by it all. When I got the call that said the job was mine, if I was still interested, and I held my breath because I’ve always been interested. Then I said “Yes!” and it was what I thought it must have felt like if I had been proposed to by the love of my life. “Yes!” I said, yet I still didn’t dare to hope. I studied my planned trajectory. I mapped out a flight plan. I lifted off from the ground…

and I hoped I wouldn’t fall. I’m still hoping.

Sam

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“Complete this thought: ‘Today I hope…'”

i-hope-you-danceToday I hope we can be mature adults, that we can talk about deeply important issues without resorting to name calling, throwing dirt, and wrecking friendships. I hope that love stops being a dirty word that makes others worry about our state of mind. I hope that our choices are the ones we want to make, not ones made for us by others. I hope we can come together as human beings and laugh together.

Today I hope people aren’t judging each other based on stereotypes, that this world doesn’t keep devolving into a cesspool of gossip and mudslinging. I hope that technology doesn’t destroy the human connection, the person to person connection. I hope that being faithful becomes more of a “thing.” I hope that conversations can be about more than just the weather, that it becomes popular to dig deep with others.

Today I hope that we can learn to trust others, that being realistic doesn’t have to mean being pessimistic. I hope that freedom is not just something we talk about, but that we live that ideology every day. I hope that the angels of the silences don’t fly back to heaven weeping every day because we are so loud. I hope that we can accept others for who they can’t help being.

Today I hope this song in my head never quiets down. I hope the blue of the sky continues to greet me every morning. I hope the flood of emotion I feel when someone does something nice for me never goes away. I hope the flood of emotion I feel when I do something nice for someone else never goes away. I hope my friends continue to rely on me to be there for them. I hope my friends are always there for me.

Today I hope I’ve made a difference in someone else’s life, even if I don’t know for sure that I have. I hope my coffee never grows cold unless I ordered it that way. I hope the world becomes an even smaller place than it is now, that we can love them like Jesus instead of like strangers on a boulevard. I hope “forever” means just what it says again, at some point.

Today I hope they don’t condemn the bridge I used to play upon. I hope people stop writing “your” when they mean “you’re.” I hope my thoughts come out more clearly than they’ve organized themselves in my mind. I hope tomorrow means more than today. I hope fear stops being my constant companion. I hope this overwhelming apathy in the world is merely a product of disillusionment, that illumination returns. I hope it rains.

Today I hope for a peace that passes understanding. I hope a mighty wind will blow me off my moorings so I’m forced to breathe again. I hope these words aren’t as hollow as my soul used to be, because I couldn’t take it if they were.

Sam

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feathers_contourDear Journal,

Hope is a fragile thing. Often I find myself hoping for something that will never happen, something that is elusive, yet I can’t seem to stop myself. Then when it doesn’t happen I’m left deflated, and hope disappears in a puff of smoke, almost like it was never there to begin with. It almost makes me wish hope wasn’t a thing that could be possessed, that hope didn’t exist in any way, shape, or form.

When I was young I hoped that my parents would stay together despite the arguing, the silent treatment, and the other obvious issues they had back then. I hoped that somehow it would all be patched over and their relationship would be as good as new, not patched but whole like it was never broken at all. I hoped with all my might that it would happen, but instead the arguments got worse, and the silent times along with them. Hope was an empty vessel, hollow, and worthless.

But just like with any addict, I can’t leave hope alone for too long, no matter how much I despise it, no matter how much it sucks out my soul and turns it into mush. It crouches low, flexes its wings, and takes flight, giving me that giddy feeling inside, like I’m a schoolgirl with a crush. It makes me forget all the times it let me down, only remembering the feeling before it ripped out my heart. Because hope is lighter than air, and more enticing than love.

Because hope is a never ending anticipation that is exposed in the harsh light of day for the charlatan it really is. But night is closing in, and I’m hoping it can last forever.

Sam

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