Freewrite #18

“Everybody’s happy. Everybody’s free. We’ll keep the big door open, and everyone’ll come around.” ~Dave Matthews Band Dave Matthews could be my brother. No. Seriously. He says some of the things I wish I could say when no one’s listening and I can say what’s on my mind. When I could be dancing Nancy. There … Continue reading Freewrite #18

Freewrite #8

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Now? Now? How about now?

I’ll tell you a secret. Now, you can’t tell a living soul because I would be absolutely mortified if anyone ever found this out about me. Okay, good. Here it is. Sometimes I’m awkward. You know, socially. Sometimes I walk into a room and see three separate groups sitting in three separate areas. So I sit all the way on the other side of the room by myself, hoping one of the three groups reaches out to me and makes me feel warm and safe in their cocoon. Otherwise, I bury my head in the book I always have along so I don’t seem like a pathetic idiot (um, yeah) and count the minutes until I can get back up and exit the room. Usually, though, one of the groups reels me in and I feel loved. Yeah, that’s all it takes.

It’s not like I don’t feel comfortable in social situations. For the most part I do, but there’s this in-between area when I’m uncertain of what’s expected of me, times when I feel like Sheldon Cooper and I have no idea what others are trying to say or do, or what they want from ME. And I hate that, that uncertainty. I deal in absolutes so much of the time that when there’s ambiguity I freeze up. Why do I do that? I’m sure others are judging me too when I do this, shaking their heads and whispering about me behind my back. “Why can’t he just understand?” “What’s up with him?” “He seemed pretty cool before.”

Then I start thinking about this mysterious “before.” When was I actually cool? Continue reading “Freewrite #8”