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Two For Tuesday

“Prayers go up and blessings come down.” ~Yiddish proverb I’m not religious, but I do believe in blessings, those positive results even when I wasn’t actively looking for them. They happen all the time, and in every place. Some of them have been with me my entire life, and others I discover and marvel at … Continue reading Two For Tuesday

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Tasteful

The smell of pizza from the other room drives me insane with longing, and I know it won’t be long before I can sink my teeth into the warm cheese, sauce, and dough that defines one of my favorite foods. What is it about food that can just control us like it does? I think … Continue reading Tasteful

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The Friend Initiative

friendship-quotes-4-3452Friends are interesting creatures because each and every one of them is different, even though they share the same classification. When I say I’m “doing things with friends” each and every time I let it pass my lips I’m saying something completely different. And when I see them randomly in public there are different reactions and expectations with each one. I love the idea of friends because they’re like cards in a Rolodex. You can flip through and so many memories come back to you.

My first memory of someone I called a friend was when I was in kindergarten. I looked up to Robert and Joseph. They were both bigger than me, physically, and they had a quiet confidence that is lacking in most kindergartners. They seemed sure of themselves, and I wasn’t even remotely there, so I followed them around and tried to insert myself into their conversations. It wasn’t until later in the year that I realized they liked me being around because I was good at figuring out things. I guess my brain was analytical even then. But the point was I thought they were doing me a favor by teaching me a way to be when they appreciated the way I already was.

Be-yourself-be-yourself-27231879-499-333We were inseparable for the rest of that year, the three of us, and they helped me to value what I can bring to a friendship — my individuality. And since then that’s what I have attempted to do. Instead of trying to be like others in order to strike and maintain a friendship, I just try my best to BE myself, to show who I am from the very start so they’re not shocked when I finally show my true colors. It took me an eternity to really get it down, though, because my first instinct is to gravitate toward how the other person is, and what I think they want from me. If they like a certain type of music I tried to force myself to like the same music, even if I didn’t. If they enjoyed a type of food, I became a connoisseur of that food, even if it made me gag.

Being a good friend means being good at understanding who I am and what I want out of the friendship.
Continue reading “The Friend Initiative”

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Stark Winter

The cold seeps in like a drug Coursing its way through my veins Settling deep into sinew and bone Possessing its own heartbeat This frozen wasteland of mine Starving for a recognition That will never arrive And these latent convictions Solid as a block of ice Yet chipped away by circumstance By a monumental love … Continue reading Stark Winter

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The Reflex

fight-or-flight-checkbox-2.american-apparel-youth-tee.light-blue.w760h760We all have certain tendencies we lean toward, especially when things get tough. They’re ingrained in us, hardwired like computer programming, so we turn to them when we need to make quick decisions. I know for me that’s certainly true because if you lay out all of the decisions I’ve made in my life in a line on the floor the line would be long, but the basis for each decision would be a very small list.

I’ve usually made decisions based on self-preservation, or on the pleasure principle. Generally the decisions made to achieve momentary pleasure are followed up shortly by the ones that stress self-preservation. There’s a reason for that. My personality is a large one, which means most times when I make decisions they generally affect more people than just a few. It’s the nature of being me, because people listen to me when I speak.

I feed off of the attention and make even more decisions to maintain that attention, even if the decisions are circumspect. I know this about myself, but only recently have I been able to really derail those poor decisions. Most of them lead to some variations of falsehoods, which of course can put me in tough situations. I know when I’m doing it that I should stop, but the attention fuels the fire. Continue reading “The Reflex”