Dear Journal: Unsettled

Dear Journal,

This seems like some sort of turning point, like if things don’t break right they’ll just break. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this except I guess I just feel… unsettled. It doesn’t help that we live here, or that the three jobs I have aren’t enough to cover expenses. At least my health insurance pays for my therapy sessions. That’s a positive at this point.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn this into some kind of bitch session. I’m not even sure why I’m writing in you right now. Perhaps because sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled I need to just get them out, even if it seems like no one is listening. It’s not just in the being heard that I get some kind of catharsis, but just in the telling all by itself. That’s probably the most unsettling thing, that I’m not writing this for fulfillment, but out of necessity.

I’m turning 40 this year, and maybe that’s the real reason I feel so out of sorts. I know many people who have passed the milestone and haven’t batted an eyelash. But I’m not one of those people. I got used to being the youngest one in the room, the youngest one in the family, the youngest one period. I was always around older people so my youth became some kind of badge, a source of pride. No longer.

That’s not to say I feel old. It’s just obvious I’m not young anymore. Which would be fine if it hadn’t defined me for so long, if I hadn’t allowed it to define me. When I hit 30 I saw it as a blip on the radar, a tip of my cap at Father Time, but nothing more. Somehow 40 feels more definite, more weighty, even though it’s only been 10 years. That 10 years, though, it does something to a man. To anyone.

So, yeah, I feel like it’s a turning point. Either I get a full-time job and stop doing this career dance, or I will probably keep feeling like this. Or I’ll keep feeling so unsettled, so unsure of myself. Because I know I have marketable skills. I know I’m good at what I do. I just need the chance to prove I can do it full time. Yes, to get a chance to start over at the edge of 40 would be a godsend. I just need to make it happen.

Thanks for listening. Er, reading.

Sam