The Friend Realization

Just like in a relationship, friendships are what we make of them. Believe me, I know. We just need to be aware that friends need their space too, just like we need ours. It’s easy to forget this when you don’t have very many friends. And I’ve been making some new friends lately, so I have actually been starting to see how friendships are the result of part effort and part understanding. I’ve noticed that we tend to focus on the effort part when it comes to maintaining friendships, but we also tend to leave out the understanding part. And understanding is the biggest part.

We need to understand what others want and/or need from us.

We all have wants, and we all have needs. But we tend to focus on ourselves, what we want and need, and not so much on what another person wants or needs from us. And that can doom a burgeoning relationship, and even a friendship. Let’s say you meet someone and you have a good first conversation, so you exchange numbers. However, when they call you to talk you are always busy and never return their calls. They obviously needed someone to talk to, and since you weren’t there for them, do you think they’ll continue to try and contact you in the future when they need someone to talk to? Probably not.

We need to understand what we want and/or need from others.

This one is pretty important too, because while we think we know our wants and needs, sometimes that can be the farthest thing from the truth. And that leads to us seeking out friends who aren’t compatible for those things we want or need from them. For example, you meet someone who plays in your bowling league who only talks about bowling and nothing else. Or you meet someone who is ultra-religious and cannot relate to issues not religious in nature. When you need someone to talk to, how helpful are these people going to be for you and for your needs? Probably not very much, unless you’re needing to talk about bowling or religion.

We need to understand when others need distance, and when they don’t.

It’s always hard to know when to give distance because it’s needed, and to differentiate that from when you need to push through someone’s wall to reach them because that’s what they really need instead. That’s when knowing your friends and their moods helps you to tell the difference.

We need to understand when to be silent.

I have spent so much of my life talking, talking, and talking some more, but the most profound moments I have had with friends is when I haven’t said a word. Because that goes back to what I said before about knowing what your friends need and want from you, and sometimes they need just a good listener. You just need to know when that is. Every time you’re having a discussion it doesn’t mean it needs to be equal parts talking and listening. Sometimes what your friend needs most is a sounding board, someone to just talk to, that they know is listening to them.

We need to find time for what interests us.

Read that one more time. If we don’t find time for ourselves, we are no good for others. It is only when we feel most comfortable as ourselves, when we are most fulfilled by our own existence, that we can be there for others, that we can be a solid rock that others can lean on, in good times and bad. Don’t ever forget that. So, take time for you. You’ll notice a world of difference, and people like being around happy people too.

Sam

On Friends and Friendship Archive