Payback

My mother cackled on the other end of the telephone line when I told her what we were dealing with. My seven-year old daughter had thrown a major fit when asked to go to sleep on her own, sobbing loudly in her bed, which in turn was keeping my four-year old awake. And, of course, when my four-year old is kept awake she must roll over in their shared bed and kick her sister in the head. It became quite a vicious cycle, so that by 9:30 they were both still wide awake, and their mother and I were tearing our hair out. So, I told my mother about it all, expecting some commiseration (“They say misery loves company. We should start a company and make misery”), and instead I got laughter.

When she finally stopped laughing, needless to say I was not pleased. My silence spoke volumes. But then she explained why she found it so amusing. Apparently I was the neediest child in the history of children, according to my mother. She claimed that I often howled for no reason at all, at the worst possible times, that I was a very spotty sleeper, just a terrible child. But, she added, I turned out alright, which was the most I would get from her by the way of the commiseration I sought.

It turns out that becoming a parent means dealing with so much more than we can ever dream. It doesn’t matter how often we see our friends have children, or even our siblings, being a friend of people with children, or being an aunt or an uncle doesn’t prepare you to have children of your own. It’s only when you look into your own child’s eyes do you really begin to see what it takes. And because every single kid is different, you have to always shift the way you deal with them. For example, my daughter Lexi did not take well to being ignored. It never achieved the desired effect. Instead, she would just caterwaul until her voice was too hoarse to continue. By contrast, my daughter Maddie would quiet down if ignored. Different strokes for different folks.

And our kids may or may not have some of our personality traits. If they do, it always seems like they get the worst of those traits. My mother would call it payback. I call it unfortunate, but at least we know how to deal with them when those character traits show up. It can be tough to be a parent, but when your child comes to you and says, “I love you,” it’s all worth it. We just have to go through those rough times to get there. And it’s okay.

I don’t mind a little payback. It just makes me appreciate my mom all the more.

Sam