From the Vault: Font Sense (from 2008)

I pick my fonts carefully.

Courier for special correspondence, like when the queen comes to visit. Not that she visits that often or that when she visits she cares what I type with, but it’s the thought that counts.

Helvetica bold for mass emails, when I want to appear powerful to my peers and those who will continue to judge me long after I am gone. Why I care what they think is beyond me but I still care anyway. My unnatural need for acceptance in a crowd of people who don’t even accept themselves for who they are.

Arial is my comfort font, the one I revert to when I don’t know what other font to use, the one I use when I am reminiscing about the old typewriter I learned on back in 8th grade.

Corsiva for the fun me. You know, the me you were always jealous of, the same guy who disappeared about four years ago for whatever reasons. When I want to evoke memories of him, I use Corsiva and hope the people who read my missives are the ones who knew me when.

Palatino linotype for trips when I take the laptop and I want to look busy. Palatino linotype is a “busy” font that has so much going on that I type nonsense in that font, stuff like “verbington ayers transferrent liberalist propaganda”. Yeah, stupid stuff that makes no sense but looks pretty in a REAL font.

Bookman old style for when I’m trying to be literary. You know, the writer I wish I were except that I expend my valuable writing talent on maintaining my seven blogs instead of writing the next great American novel.

Stencil for when I’m trying to be creative and failing miserably. It looks arts-and-craftsy and I am the furthest from that, so to appear that imaginative and creative is a bonus anytime I’m writing to people who inevitably have more talent at art than I do.

And last but not least, I use Rockwell italic for everything I print to put on garage sale tags. It just looks so fancy I can’t help myself. Even if no one can read what it says, it’s worth it just to see the brilliant smiles on their faces when they see that particular font.

I pick my fonts carefully because I never know who will be reading what I write. Like you, right now.

Sam